The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: You probably think of Voldemort and his Death Eaters as terrible, heartless people, and you are normally correct. But for one week every year, they are able to escape the stress of the wizarding world by going on vacation…the muggle way!
1. Road Trip!

Voldemort woke and happily greeted the new day. It was sunny, not a cloud in the sky--the perfect type of day for torturing and killing random Muggles! So he got up, brushed his teeth (so as not to offend his doomed victims with plaque and unsightly coffee stains), and donned his scariest looking black robes. He then Apparated to a secluded alley beside a busy highway and pointed his wand toward the first car he saw.

"_Imperio,"_ he muttered, forcing the unfortunate Muggle to park next to the alley and get out of his car. He continued to lure the Muggle man farther into the dark alley until he was satisfied that they could not be seen, and then he released the curse. He laughed as the man realized what was happening, and raised his wand.

"Don't kill me!" pleaded the man. "I have a family! We're just on a road trip, that's all!"

Voldemort lowered his wand, his expression confused. "What is this 'road trip' of which you speak?"

"Um…when you d-drive a long d-distance for v-vacation…."

As much as Voldemort hated to admit it, this idea intrigued him. "Let's make a deal, shall we? Tell me everything you know about these 'road trips' and perhaps I'll let you live."

**Three years later…**

All the Death Eaters were lined up in front of their master with excited faces. Even Voldemort himself seemed ecstatic, for today was a very special day.

"Are we all packed, then?" the Dark Lord asked.

"Yes, My Lord," said all the Death Eaters in unison.

"Nobody forgot anything?"

"No, My Lord."

"Good. I'm sure you're all looking forward to the Annual Death Eater Beach Trip just as much as yours truly, so everything has to be perfect! Understood?"

"Yes, My Lord."

"Severus, did you pack plenty of sunscreen like I commanded you to? You know how the Dark Lord burns easily."

Snape rolled his eyes and sighed. "I am aware of that, My Lord. The sunscreen is packed and ready to go."

"Excellent. Bellatrix, did you prepare the refreshments for the ride there?"

"But of course, Oh Hot One!" said Bellatrix with a bit too much enthusiasm. "We have plenty of Cokes, sandwiches, and Doritos to last all five hours of the drive!"

"And what about those mini weenies I like so much?"

"I've prepared twice as many as you requested. I live to serve you, Your Sexiness."

"Suck up," came a subtle cough from somewhere in the crowd, soon to be followed by a howl of pain.

"Bella....," warned Voldemort.

"Wormtail did it." Bellatrix's falsely innocent tone could be easily seen through, but Voldemort was too excited to notice.

"Wormtail, you will surely suffer greatly!" he shouted, then continued with a laugh. "After this totally awesome vacation, that is! Now does anyone need to visit the loo before we leave? Because I am _not_ stopping once we get on the road." He paused, but no one moved. "Very well, then, if everyone's ready…ROAD TRIP!!!"

"Yay!!!!!" cheered the Death Eaters as they piled into the Dark Lord's purple minivan.

"Shotgun!" called Lucius, racing for the front seat.

"Forget it, Goldilocks!" said Voldemort. "Mr. Happysmileyman is riding up front!"

"Your teddy bear, My Lord?"

"Did...I...stutter?" said Voldemort slowly, as if talking to a rather ignorant child.

Once the teddy bear was properly buckled in, as well as all the Death Eaters, Voldemort pulled out of the driveway and began the long drive.

"Dude, turn on the radio!" shouted Rabastan.

"Yes, very well," said Voldemort, locating his favorite station. He recognized the song that was playing at once, and began singing along with gusto. "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive...Carved my name into his leather seats...."  
He swung his head around and made various dance moves as he sang. The Death Eaters (except for Snape, of course) couldn't help but join in.

"Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats!" they all sang.

"Oh my badness, I totally love that song, guys!" shouted Voldemort over the loud radio.

"My Lord," said Snape hesitantly, "with all due respect…do you really think this music is appropriate for a malevolent Dark Lord? I mean, do you not think that something like heavy metal would suit you a bit better?"

Voldemort slowly turned his head toward Snape, glaring furiously. "_NEVER_ QUESTION THE AWESOMENESS OF CARRIE UNDERWOOD, SNAPE! _NEVER!"_

"Um, master....," interrupted Wormtail quietly.

"What is it, Wormtail?"

Wormtail hesitated, then leaned over his seat and whispered something in his master's ear. Voldemort's expression went from excited to irritable in a matter of seconds.

"Dang it, Wormtail, I told you to do that before we left! Now where the crap is a rest stop...."

* * *

Twenty miles passed before the Dark Lord finally located a rest stop. Wormtail got out of the car and ran inside faster than Snape could run if faced with happy thoughts.

"Excuse me...Miss Author?" said Snape.

Yes, Snape? What do you want?

"Could you stop utilizing my name for your insulting analogies?"

Hahahahahaha.....no. Now where was I? Oh, yes. The Death Eaters waited silently for a long time, but Wormtail did not come out. Finally, Voldemort broke the silence.

"Dang, it's hot in here," he complained, rolling the windows down. They sat in silence yet again.

"Lord Voldemort?" said Draco Malfoy, sounding a bit intimidated. Voldemort ignored him, as usual.  
"Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Vol--"

"WHAT IS IT, DRACO!!!"

"There's, like, a bee in here...."

"So swat it."

"Ew, no! It might sting me!"

"Son, you must man up!" said Lucius. "Now swat that dang bee!"

"But, Dad...."

"Do what your father says, honey," said Narcissa. "You swat the crap out of that thing this instant!"

"OK...." Draco hesitated, then raised his hand and struck the bee. "Ow! It, like, totally stung me!!!"

"For badness sake, Draco, it's just a bee sting!" shouted Lucius.

"But...I think I'm...allergic....," said Draco in between gasps.

"Cool!" said Bellatrix. "He's swelling up like a balloon!"

"Guys....," said Draco, gasping even more now. "My...throat...is...closing...up...I...can't...breathe!"

"Holy crap, Draco, you're such a pansy!" said Voldemort. "Now sit down and suck it up!"

"I...can't...suck...any...thing...up!"

"The Dark Lord said be quiet!" said Lucius, smacking Draco with his pimp cane.

At that moment Wormtail exited the rest stop and made his way back to the minivan. "Sorry that took so long, Master.... There was an incident with two large truckers and a feisty circus clown that I would rather not discuss.... What's the matter with Draco?"

"Oh, nothing," said Voldemort. "Just being a blasted pansy as usual. Now are we ready to hit the road?"

"Yes!!!" came the enthusiastic reply from all but one Death Eater.

"Draco? Are you ready or what?"

Draco gasped desperately for breath, and somehow managed to utter a feeble, "Yes."

"Without the attitude!"


	2. Crucio Buggy

"Well, _that_ took a good fifteen minutes off our schedule!" shouted Voldemort as he drove away from a pharmacy. "And those blasted allergy shots are expensive! I do hope you're happy, Draco!"

"Yeah, Draco!" agreed Bellatrix. "Just for that, you can't have any Doritos!"

"Hey, I could have died!" said Draco, whose head was now its normal size again.

"And I could have watched, but nooooooo.... You just HAD to have that stupid shot! You know what? You can't have any mini weenies either!"

"Awwwww...but they're, like, so delectable!"

"Your Aunt Bellatrix is right, dear," said Narcissa sternly. "This is the only way you'll learn not to swell up like a balloon and almost die anymore!"

"Yes, Mother…."

Draco kept quiet as Voldemort, laughing maniacally every time a bug hit the windshield, drove on. After about thirty minutes and fifteen bugs, however, Voldemort became bored.

"I have become bored," said Voldemort. "Let's play a game or something."

"Oooh! Voldypoo, let's play Crucio Buggy!" suggested Bellatrix.

"What the crap is Crucio Buggy?"

"Every time you see a Volkswagen Bug, you have to shout the color of the car and Crucio the person sitting next to you."

"I thought it was 'Punch Buggy'," said Draco.

"Quiet, Draco!" yelled Bellatrix. "Crucio Buggy green! Don't Crucio back!"

Draco writhed in pain, but then suddenly became excited as he spotted another bug outside the window. "Crucio Buggy pink!" he shouted at his father. "Don't Crucio back!"

Lucius screamed in horror as the spell hit him, then caught his breath and exclaimed, "Good one, son!"

"What fun!" said Wormtail after quite a few rounds of the game. "Master, don't you want to join in?"

"No, that's fine, Wormtail. I'm having fun just watching. _Muahahahahaha_...."

The game ended twenty minutes later when Lord Voldemort's favorite song played on the radio again. The happy mood of the Death Eaters as they sang along to _Before He Cheats_ was broken only by the annoyed face of Severus Snape.

"What's wrong, Greasy?" asked Lucius condescendingly.

Snape glared at Lucius with disdain in his dark eyes. "You know quite well, Lucius, that I despise country music."

"And what exactly do you have against country music?"

Snape hesitated. "I had a rather bad experience back in the 80s. I'd prefer not to discuss it."

"For badness sake, Severus you are _such_ a wet blanket!" With a sweep of his hair, Lucius turned to address Voldemort. "Excuse me, My Lord? There's a Wal-Mart up ahead. Would it be all right if I made a quick stop there? I believe there is something I would like to buy."

"Oh, why not?" said Voldemort. "We're already behind thanks to Draco." He glared into the rear view mirror. "What can five more minutes hurt?"

With that, Voldemort proceeded to pull into the Wal-Mart parking lot and steal a handicapped space from an elderly lady who was about to park there. Lucius got out of the minivan, making sure to shove Snape on his way, and entered the Wal-Mart building. While he was gone, Voldemort and the Death Eaters enjoyed laughing at the expense of the elderly woman as she slowly hobbled to the building from the far side of the parking lot. She tripped on a speed bump once, which resulted in a tremendous burst of maniacal laughter. They were still cackling when Lucius returned carrying a Wal-Mart bag.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha...oh, are you back already, Lucius?" said Voldemort.

"Indeed I am, My Lord," replied Lucius with a smirk, handing Voldemort the bag, "and I believe you will be quite pleased with my purchase."

"Well, we shall see about that. What do we have here......? HOLY CRAP, LUCIUS, YOU ARE FREAKING AWESOME!!!"

"What in badness sake...?" wondered Snape.

"I'll show you!" Voldemort triumphantly held up the content of the Wal-Mart bag: a copy of Carrie Underwood's _Some Hearts _CD.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I love it!!! Let's totally listen to it now!!!" he screamed.  
Snape turned very slowly to Lucius, looking absolutely furious. "You...are...the...worst...person...."

"You're welcome, Sevvy!" said Lucius.

Voldemort clicked the repeat button on the CD player and the Death Eaters sang to _Before He Cheats_ for a very long time, Snape sulking all the while.


	3. A Slight Change of Plans

_Before He Cheats_ continued to play, but everyone had grown tired of singing; even Voldemort. However, any time a Death Eater would suggest another song, said Death Eater would meet a painful and untimely end. Everyone was bored out of their minds at this point.

Suddenly, Bellatrix began giggling uncontrollably.

"Sup with you?" said Voldemort.

"Hey, guys...," said Bellatrix, trying to speak despite the giggles, "Guys...ha ha...Guys...OLD LADY! Hahahahahahaha!!"

Voldemort and the Death Eaters then burst into laughter, instantly getting the inside joke; except for Lucius, of course.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, perplexed.

"Hahahahahahahahaha...nothing," said Bellatrix.

"Yes, nothing," agreed Voldemort, "You wouldn't understand."

"Whatever...," Lucius sighed as Bellatrix tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter.

"Evil speed bump...hahahahahahahaha!"

"Shut up!" yelled Lucius.

"Guys, guys, stop it!" said Voldemort, "Let's just relax and listen to this great song, OK?"

BOOM.

Voldemort jumped in shock. "What the crap was that?"

BOOM.

"There it was again!"

BOOM.

"I'm scared! Hold me, Mr. Happysmileyman!"

BOOM. Smoke came out from under the hood of the minivan. Voldemort screamed like a girl, and then claimed it was Draco.

"Everyone out of the car!"

The Death Eaters all scrambled to get out of the car quickly.

"Move it, Snape!" yelled Lucius, "I should be saved first! I'm rich and handsome!"

"Honey!" screamed Narcissa, "What happened to women and children first? Especially YOUR wife and child!!"

"You've lead good lives, now out of my way!!"

"_Crucio_!" screamed Bellatrix. "Should have been quicker, jerk!" she continued, leaping out of the car door while Lucius writhed in pain.

Eventually all the Death Eaters were out of the smoking minivan.

"OK...," said Voldemort, panting, "You guys pretty much suck at cooperation, but at least we're all..." His expression changed suddenly to one of shock. "HOLY CRAP, WHERE IS MR. HAPPYSMILEYMAN??"

The eyes of every Death Eater in the crowd widened instantly. All were silent, too terrified to speak.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME, YOU FOOLS? WHERE IS THE DARK LORD'S TEDDY BEAR??"

Still no one spoke, but a few glanced quickly toward the minivan.

"OH MY WORD!! I'M COMING FOR YOU, MR. HAPPYSMILEYMAN!!"

Voldemort ran as fast as his skinny, bony legs would take him to the smoking van and snatched the bear from the front passenger seat. He then marched angrily back to the group.

"You should all be ashamed! In your haste to save yourselves, you forgot about the most important member of our group! I will spare your lives only because this is a happy occasion! If this were an average road trip, I would SO open up a can of _Avada Kedavra_ on all your…," He stopped in mid-sentence when he glanced back at the minivan and sighed. "I suppose yelling isn't going to fix the crunkmobile now is it?"

"The…crunkmobile?" asked a confused Snape.

"DO NOT QUESTION THE DARK LORD OR HIS CHOICE OF VEHICLE NAMES!!"

"My apologies..."

"Yes, well, don't let it happen again! Now wait here while I take a look at the problem."

"Oh, please be careful, my lord!" pleaded Bellatrix.

"For badness sake, Bella, it's just a dang minivan!"

He approached the "crunkmobile" and lifted the hood. Smoke poured out, causing him to cough and Bellatrix to tremble with worry. Once the smoke cleared, he was able to look inside the hood. He mumbled as he tried to decipher what the problem could be.

"Hmm...I see...That doesn't look good...Uh-huh...Rather..."

After a few minutes, he approached the Death Eaters yet again, looking quite sure of himself.

"Have you found out anything, my lord?" asked Lucius.

"I most certainly have, Lucius. That thing is messed up."

"...And?"

"And it needs to be fixed."

"What was the problem?"

"It was smoking."

"I know that. Why was it smoking?"

Voldemort paused for a moment. "Look, I don't know squat about cars, OK? Let's just get this to the nearest service station."

"Yes, my lord." Lucius drew his wand.

"What are you doing? We can't use magic with Muggles driving by every five seconds!"

"Well, do we just push it?"

"No...We shall have to hitchhike until we can find a tow truck."

He stepped closer to the road and pointed his thumb toward the direction they were driving. Car after car passed him by, none of them stopping to pick him up.

"This isn't working, dang it!"

"Maybe if I show some leg," suggested Draco, pulling up his pants leg.

"Eew, Draco, no one wants to see that!"

But the second that the Dark Lord said this, a large pickup truck stopped on the side of the road and a hillbilly with rotten teeth and dirty clothes rolled down his window.

"Y'all fellers need a ride?" he said.

"Um, yes...rather," said Voldemort uncomfortably.

"All righty, pile on inta thuh back. No Nose over here can sit in thuh front."

Voldemort handed his teddy bear to Wormtail. "Guard him with your life." He then reluctantly got in the front seat while the Death Eaters piled into the back of the truck.

"That's right, pile on in thar," said the hillbilly, "You too, Mr. Purdy Legs," he said to Draco, who shivered.

The Death Eaters all got in the back. "Eew, there's, like, a pig back here!" Draco whined.

"Ha ha!" taunted Bellatrix, "Rodolphus, you just got burned!"

"No, a real pig!"

"Oh," said Bellatrix, seeing the pig, "Well, you're still ugly, Rodolphus."

"Yes, dear…," sighed Rodolphus.

Suddenly the truck started moving. It was obvious from the start that this would not be a smooth ride. Every single bump in the road caused the Death Eaters to bounce up and down. Meanwhile, Voldemort was attempting to converse with the hillbilly in the front seat.

"So, good sir, I suppose my malevolence must have intimidated you beyond belief, but I assure you, my only request is to find the nearest service station. My presence shall not be detrimental to you in the least."

"What the heck 'er you talkin' about, No Nose?"

Voldemort paused, considering how to reword his statement, then continued, British accent strong as ever, "Um...I reckon I right scared the living daylights out of you, but I don't want nothing but to find somewhere to fix my dang car. I ain't gonna hurt you no how."

"Well why didn't ya say that in thuh first place?"

Voldemort decided it was better not to talk for the rest of the ride, so for a while it was completely silent. However, he could have sworn he heard Crabbe's voice in the back singing something like, "Spider pig." How odd.


	4. Voldemort Meets the Hillbillies

**A/N: If there are any hillbillies reading this...um...please forgive me. XD**

"Why are we on this blasted dirt road?" demanded Voldemort as the hillbilly, who had introduced himself as "Earl" drove on.

"Well, lucky fer you, my brother/uncle/second cousin owns a tow truck business right by my house, and ya have ta take this here road ta get thur!"

"Oh. All right...Wait a minute, how is he your brother, uncle, AND second cousin?"

"Don't ask questions, No Nose. Even I can't figger it out no how."

A few minutes later they pulled up next to a small wooden farm house. It was surrounded by empty plains, except for a barn and a chicken coop in the back.

"My," said Voldemort, "It certainly is...quaint."

"Wha?"

Voldemort sighed. "It's right purdy."

"Oh. Thank ya kindly."

"All right, Death Eaters," said Voldemort, approaching the back of the truck, "Everyone out."

"Can I take Spider Pig with me?" asked Crabbe.

"No!"

"Awwwwww!"

"Just let 'im bring the durn pig," said Earl.

"Fine," said Voldemort, "Crabbe, you can bring Spider Pig."

"He's not Spider Pig anymore," said Crabbe, "He's Harry Plopper."

"That is NOT funny, Crabbe! Now I just want to kill the pig!"

"Don't worry, Plopper. He can't kill the real Harry, so chances are he can't kill you either."

"CRABBE!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming..."

The Death Eaters all got out of the truck, Crabbe carrying Spider...Um, I mean, Harry Plopper.

"Y'all can come on inside while I call my brother/uncle/second cousin," said the hillbilly. Voldemort and the Death Eaters followed him inside.

"This here's my wife Luann."

"Howdy," said Luann, a large woman with tacky makeup, a blond beehive hairdo, and baggy clothes.

"And these here are my kids. Meet Bessie, Elsie, Billy Bob, Bob Billy, Jethro, Ellie Mae, Cletus, Brandine, Bucky, Sue, Clarence, Mariann, Bubba, Rufus, Walker, Texas Ranger, Bobby Joe, Joe Bobby, Gerald, Moe, and Gerald Moe."

"Greetings...," said Voldemort uncomfortably.

"Y'all want some lemonade?" asked Luann.

Voldemort glanced at the kitchen table. "There's a cigarette in the pitcher."

"What's yer point?"

"I believe I'll pass..."

"Well, what're ya waitin' fer?" said Earl, "Set a spell. I'm gonna go help my brother/uncle/second cousin with yer van!"

The Death Eaters obeyed. There were enough seats for everyone, although some consisted of beat-up lawn chairs and giant bean bags.

"Spell?" whispered Voldemort frantically as he occupied a seat next to Wormtail. "How does he know we're wizards?"

"It's all right, Master," replied Wormtail, "It's a Muggle expression."

"Ah."

"Hey, kids!" called Earl, "Y'all wanna see yer pa work?"

"Yeah!" screamed the twenty-one kids, following their father out the door.

"Well, y'all can just make yerselves at home, and I'll cook ya up some tender vittles!" suggested the hospitable Luann.

Voldemort looked at Wormtail with an expression that clearly said, "What the crap?"

"That means food," whispered Wormtail.

"Ah."

The Death Eaters all looked around with confused expressions while Luann tended to her "tender vittles". None of them had ever seen anything quite like the hillbillies' house before. It was, as Voldemort had said, very quaint. It was small and cluttered, but not at all uncomfortable. In fact, it made Voldemort feel as though he were a child visiting his grandparents…well, before he killed them. Though only five minutes passed, it seemed like hours before Luann opened the kitchen door.

"It's done, y'all! And yer in fur a real treat…It's cas-suh-roll night!"

Suddenly realizing how hungry they were, the Death Eaters pushed and shoved their way to the dining room, put a large spoonful of casserole onto each of their plates, and dug in.

"Oh. My. Badness," said Voldemort, "Luann, this is delicious! What kind of casserole is this?"

Luann blushed and gave a modest smile. "Why, it's possum, a course!"

Almost in unison, every Death Eater at the table spit out a mouthful of casserole back onto their plates.

Luann looked hurt. "Is there somethin' wrong with it?"

"No, of course not," said Wormtail quickly, "We're just…shocked at how good it is!"

Luann smiled again and blushed redder than before. Voldemort stood up. "May I be excused?"

"Sure thing, hon," said Luann, and he rushed out the door.

Voldemort stood on the front porch and spat again, trying to rid his mouth completely of the taste of possum. "Now what?" he wondered.

Something rustled in a nearby bush.

"Who's there?" called Voldemort threateningly.

It rustled again.

"Show yourself at once!" His voice, though demanding, hinted at a bit of fear.

The bush rustled a third time, and a small furry creature stepped out.

"Hey, you're not so big and bad, now are you?" mocked Voldemort, approaching the raccoon. "Say, why are you foaming at the mouth like that--Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

The raccoon jumped at Voldemort's face and began to claw and bite. He ran around in circles, struggling against it. "Get off me!" he shouted, "I command you!" He attempted to pull it off his face, but its claws were dug in too tight. He staggered backward into an outhouse, unable to see a thing, and then he stopped. "What is that_ smell_?"

The raccoon bit him right where his nose used to be, and he instinctively jumped, hitting the back of the outhouse hard. It fell over backward with Voldemort and the raccoon still inside, and the door slammed shut. The raccoon bit him again, and again he jumped, moving the outhouse further still. It bit him a third time, and before he knew it, the outhouse was rolling down a steep hill.

Bellatrix slammed the ragged screen door behind her and ran out into the front lawn. "Voldykins? I heard you scream! Where are you?" She gasped when she spotted the rolling outhouse and ran as fast as she could down the hill. "I'm coming, my lord!!" She was surprisingly quick despite her stiletto heels as she descended the steep slope.

The outhouse stopped with a crash at the bottom of the hill. The raccoon pushed its way out of the door and scurried away. Then the door opened again, slowly revealing a very injured Voldemort. His face was all scratched up and bloody, and he was covered in…well, let's not go into that.

"Voldypoo, you're ok!" screamed Bellatrix as she embraced him tightly, but she soon released him when she realized that she, too, was now filthy. However, she didn't seem to mind much. She stared at his mouth and sighed. "That foam is so sexy."

"Just…get…me…back…to…the…house…," gasped Voldemort.

"Of course…Right away!" She picked up her lord and began to carry him back toward the hillbillies' shack.

Voldemort groaned. "Hands…off…the…buttocks!"

Shocked, she jerked her hands away, dropping him by accident. "Oh no, I'm so sorry, my lord!"

"Just…get…help!"

Bellatrix nodded, and then awkwardly climbed the slope back to the shack as her master commanded.

A vulture circled overhead. _Oh crap,_ thought Voldemort.

"No Nose! I high tailed it on over here as soon as that wild-haired city woman told me what happened!"

Voldemort breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't exactly have Earl in mind when he demanded help, but that hardly mattered now. He was going to be OK.

"Lucky fer you," Earl continued, "I have a nephew/brother/grandpa who happens to be the finest doctor 'round these parts!" He turned his head and shouted toward the house. "Hey, Carl! Go get them painful ray-bees in-jec-shuns!"

Voldemort groaned. Where was that stupid vulture when you needed it?


	5. Faithful Servants, We Are Home!

"That guy's brother/uncle/second cousin sure was friendly," commented Wormtail as Voldemort drove away from the hillbilly's shack in the newly repaired minivan.

"A little too friendly...," replied Voldemort, shivering as unpleasant memories rushed back into his mind...

* * *

It was a few hours after he had received the painful rabies injections and gotten all bandaged up. He was standing next to the damaged minivan, minding his own dark lordly business, when a large, sweaty man approached him.

"Hey, bro!" said the man, "How 'bout a big ol' hillbilly hug?" The man approached Voldemort a bit more quickly now, and pulled him into a hug before he could resist.

"Wormtail...," said a very frightened Voldemort, "Who is this moist gentleman and why is he embracing me?"

"I don't know, Master...," replied Wormtail in shock.

Bellatrix glowered at the man, eyes filled with jealousy. "I would give _anything_ to be that moist gentleman right now..."

* * *

But back to the present.

"Thank badness I was able to protect Mr. Happysmileyman," continued Voldemort.

The aforementioned teddy bear was once again seated in the front passenger seat, wearing a seat belt and a pair of sunglasses. The radio had resumed blaring Carrie Underwood's music at its highest volume.

"Would a mini weenie cheer you up, my lord?" asked Bellatrix, gesturing toward a plastic Tupperware container.

"No...I believe I've lost my appetite."

Only one short hour of driving and singing about keying cars later, a palm tree came into view.

"Holy crap, guys!" shouted a suddenly ecstatic Voldemort, "The first palm tree of the trip! Do you know what that means?

Only one half hour of driving and singing about keying cars left until we get to the beach!!"

"Yay!" screamed the Death Eaters, for it had been one heck of a road trip.  
Another palm tree passed, and then another, and eventually they were everywhere. Finally water could be seen on the horizon.

"We've made it!" said Voldemort, causing the Death Eaters to shout in excitement, "And I don't believe we've visited this particular beach before, have we? This should be interesting. But first we must check into a hotel."

He found a parking space (or rather, vacated one) outside the hotel, which was aptly named The Titanic for its size and shape. Everyone got out of the minivan and made their way around the burning heap of metal that was once a car. They then walked to the giant hotel's entrance, which didn't take long, considering the burning heap of metal had been parked in a handicapped parking place.

"My car!" came a shout from a familiar elderly woman in the distance.

The hotel lobby was probably bigger than the Riddle mansion and Malfoy Manor combined, and that's not an exaggeration. OK, it is, but you get the picture. Wealthy looking people sat in an elegantly furnished sitting area by the door. Beautiful potted plants decorated the lobby, and a crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. Voldemort approached the front desk.

"Greetings," he said, "My name is Lord Voldemort. I believe I have a reservation here."

"You most certainly do, Mr. Voldemort," said the lady behind the desk, "Just pay this bill and I'll show you and your group to your rooms." She handed Voldemort a small piece of paper.

"Yes, very well..." He took one look at the paper and fainted onto the floor.

Bellatrix shrieked in horror. "Voldypoo!"

The Death Eaters crowded around their master as he lay motionless on the floor. He showed no sign of waking up any time soon.

"Out of my way!" yelled Bellatrix, rushing to Voldemort's side, "I shall give him the kiss of life!"

"I'm OK, I'm OK!" said Voldemort, promptly getting up and running a safe distance away from Bellatrix before she could "save his life". She pouted and sulked back over to her husband's side. At this point Voldemort assumed it was safe to be within ten feet of her again, so he marched past her to speak to the secretary.

"You're charging how much?!" he demanded.

"I'm sorry sir," she replied, "But that's our price and it cannot be lowered."

* * *

Voldemort once again vacated a handicapped parking space and exited the minivan, the Death Eaters following close behind. When the Dark Lord reached the entrance of the Sleazy Bum Motel, he turned to his followers and shouted triumphantly, "Faithful servants, we are home!"


	6. Animal Hotel

**Voldemort**

I entered the hotel room, my teddy bear in hand. There were only two beds to one room, so needless to say it cost me quite a bit of Muggle money for all the Death Eaters and myself to stay here. I, however, did not have to share my room with anyone. You see, I made it quite clear that Mr. Happysmileyman is very high maintenance, and requires at least a whole queen size bed for himself.

The room smelled horrible, unfortunately, and it wasn't at all what you'd call tidy. There were spots on the ceiling, spots on the floor; spots on the bedspreads...Heck, there were even spots on the smoke detector! At least, I think it was a smoke detector. It could have been a camera for all I knew. Note to self, I thought, do not change your clothes in front of the smoke detector.

It had been a long drive that day, so I jumped onto my bed with gusto, sure that I would have a peaceful rest. But unfortunately, I was mistaken. The bed was literally hard as a rock. The pillow was flat and torn in places, and there was no chocolate on top, which really ticked me off. The Dark Lord enjoys his chocolate.

But what could be done? Nothing. I chose the hotel and I bought the rooms. It was done. As angry as I was, it would not do any good at this point to start killing people randomly for the mere purpose of stress relief (although I probably would anyway). I set Mr. Happysmileyman down carefully on his bed, then lay down on my own and fell asleep. I would like to say that it was a pleasant, restful sleep, but alas, that was not so. As I slept my dreams were haunted by smoking minivans and moist gentlemen embracing me tightly.

**Bellatrix**

"Honestly," said my perfectionist sister Narcissa as we attempted to locate our hotel room, "You'd think they could clean this place up a bit better. Everything is so filthy!"

"Well, if it's good enough for the Dark Lord," I said for the fifth time since we arrived, "it must be good enough for us. So stop complaining."

I looked again at the number on my room key, and then I watched each door we passed. "Twenty-one...twenty-two...twenty-three. Here we are." I unlocked the door.

"Oh my badness!" said Narcissa in a disgusted tone, "It's a pig sty! Look at this! There are even spots on the smoke detector!"

"Narcissa, I swear, if you don't shut up..." I looked closer. "Holy crap, there _are_ spots on the smoke detector!"

"You see? It's terrible! But I suppose there's nothing we can do, is there? No sense in complaining, I suppose..."

"Finally!" I said angrily.

"So now what do we do?" she asked, straightening out a wrinkle on her bedspread.

"Well, I'm not sure what _you're_ going to do," I said, "But _I'm_ going to spy on Lord Sexymort." I glanced at the screen of my spy watch. "According to the camera I put in his smoke detector, he's asleep right now. I'm thinking it's a good time to go through his personal belongings." I giggled as I contemplated what I might find.

"I can't say I approve of such behavior," nagged Narcissa, "but I'm bored, so I'll come with you."

"Fine, but be prepared to stay a while," I said as I opened the door.

As we walked down the hallway to the room of my future husband, I began to hear shouting in the distance. At first I wondered if it was just one of the many voices I hear inside my head (I am NOT crazy!), but then the shouting got louder. And louder. And then the screaming teenagers came around the corner toward us.

"Hey, babes!" said one with very spiky hair, "Come party with us! We can show you a good time!"

OK, that ticked me off. "Lord Voldemort is the only man for me! Come, Narcissa. Let us leave these foolish Muggles at once!"

"Um, yes…of course. The nerve of some people!" Her tone was dignified, but I could see the longing in her eyes. Narcissa Malfoy, wife to one of the wealthiest and most respectable purebloods in England, devoted mother to a very "special" child, and servant to the darkest (and hottest) of lords…but there was one thing her seemingly perfect life was lacking: fun.

I felt pity for her, a very rare occurrence for someone like me, and I _hated _it! I took in a deep, cleansing breath. It didn't work, so I punched one of the teenagers in the face. There, now I felt better... "Just go with them, Cissy," I said grudgingly, "You know you want to."

"Thank you!" she said excitedly, giving me a quick hug and running off screaming with the adolescents.

I just shook my head and continued to Voldypoo's room.  
_  
__Three hours later..._

I sat on my rock hard bed and once again emptied the large sack of Lord Voldemort's personal belongings that I had chosen to keep for myself. "Good haul this time," I said to myself as I sniffed a t-shirt of his that said "Vote for Pedro" on the front. Then I looked at the clock. "Wow, it's late. I'd better go to bed now." So I replaced my own pillow with Voldemort's and drifted off to sleep.

It was three a.m. when I awoke to the sound of a knock on my door. When I answered said knock, Narcissa stumbled into the room. For some reason she could not walk straight.

"Holy crap, Cissy," I said grumpily. No one interrupts Bellatrix Lestrange's beauty sleep. "What have you been doing?"

"Hey, Bella," said Narcissa, slurring her words.

"What?"

"Hey, Bella."

"What?"

"Hey, Bella. Hey, Bella. Hey, Bella."

"WHAT?!"

"Hi. Hahahahahahahaha..."

That's when I realized there could be only one explanation for such behavior. "Oh my badness, Cissy, you're intoxicated!"

"Aww, thanks, Bella! You're pretty, too…," she said before collapsing onto her bed.

"Whatever...Just go to sleep," I replied, laying down on mine as well.

"Bella?"

Oh great. Maybe if I ignored her she would shut up and go to sleep, or so I thought.

"Bella? Bella? Bella? Bella? Bella? Bella? Bella?"

Just wait it out, Bellatrix. She'll shut up eventually…

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??"

This obviously wasn't working. "WHAT IS IT, NARCISSA!!"

"Guess how many beers I drank tonight."

"Fine. How many beers did you drink tonight, Narcissa?"

"Noooooooooo! You have to guess!"

"Fine! Um...five?"

"Ha ha...You're so not even close."

I don't know if she fainted after that or just fell into a deep sleep, but one thing was certain- she finally shut up. Well, at least for a moment, because guess what? Alcohol makes Narcissa talk in her sleep. It was a long night.

**Lucius**

Unless I'm mistaken, do people not usually look forward to holidays because they get to stay at nice hotels? I certainly thought that was the case, but Malfoy Manor beats this dump by a long shot. There were beer bottles everywhere, and the place was incredibly noisy as well. It sounded like a loud party was going on down the hall, and if I didn't know better, I would have thought that one of the excited screams came from my wife. But that would be absurd.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" whined Draco, "This place smells! I don't wanna stay here!"

"Neither do I, son," I replied, "But we have to. So suck it up and take it like a man!"

I unlocked the door to our room, and it was worse than I had expected. Far worse. In fact, I wanted to whine like my son, but I was far too manly for that.

"Wow, this place is so not cool at all," said Draco, "Just look at that disgusting smoke detector! Good thing I brought some decorations from my room at home."  
_  
__Oh dear_, I thought. I hadn't been in Draco's room lately, so I had no clue what kinds of decorations he could have brought. I hoped he didn't bring pictures of bikini clad women or something...What would the maids think? But as it turned out, I had no reason to worry about suggestive photos at all, for my seventeen-year-old son had brought posters of unicorns and rainbows with him. That was far worse.

"Son...," I began carefully, "Why do you have pictures of unicorns, rainbows, ponies, and pixies?"

"You forgot the bunnies," said Draco, holding up a picture for me to see.

"Yes, those too...Son, why do you have them?" I was trying very hard not to offend the poor boy…

"I dunno. They're pretty."

"Girls in bikinis are pretty too, aren't they?" I said under my breath.

"What was that, Dad?"

"Nothing, son..." I'm gonna have to have a talk with that boy. But not until after this holiday.

"Um, Draco," I said, "Why don't we go to sleep now? You can decorate in the morning."

"Okey dokey, artichokie!"

Note to self, I thought, keep an eye on your son.

I slept decently that night, considering the circumstances. I mean, the bed was bloody uncomfortable. And when I finally drifted off to sleep I was awakened by some intoxicated nitwit stumbling down the hall outside my room. The nerve! At least I can sleep soundly knowing that none of the Malfoys will ever behave in that manner.

**Snape**

What a _dump_, I thought. I grimaced as I beheld the sight before me: hideous, moldy walls covered in grotesque stains of unknown origins, unkempt bed linens that were more shredded than whole, an unsavory coating of grime on every surface … even the smoke detector had not escaped the holocaust that had befallen this abode.

"Oh come now, Severus!" said Wormtail, noticing my disgusted expression, "I think the room is brilliant."

"Yes...," I said, "_You_ would think that, wouldn't you? I must say, that doesn't surprise me one bit."

Wormtail laughed. "That was quite a burn, Severus! Well done!"

"Whatever..."

"So...aren't you psyched about this awesome beach trip? No one knows fun like the Dark Lord, huh?"

"Yes, I'm sure it will be...," I thought of an appropriate response, "...unlike anything I have experienced."

"That's the spirit, Sev!"

"Calling me 'Sev'? Well, congratulations, Wormtail. That happens to be number twenty-seven on my list."

"And what list might that be?"

"Why, the list of things I absolutely despise, of course."

Wormtail laughed again. "You have quite the sense of humor there, Sev."

I sighed deeply and rolled my eyes. "Whatever you must believe... Now good night." I turned off the lamp beside my bed.

"Hold on!" Wormtail had the nerve to say, "Let's stay up late and tell scary stories!"

"That would be numbers seventeen and thirty-six. Now good night."

"But I know some really good stories!"

"How about one that ends with you falling asleep? Or better yet, starting with such."

"Honestly, Sev, you need to have more fun."

Oh, if I had a Sickle for every time I've heard _that_ one.

"This is not a sleepover, Pettigrew!" I spat.

"Ew, Snape! You just spat on me!"

"And I'll do it again if you do not refrain from bothering me!" No one interrupts Severus Snape's beauty sleep.

"Fine. You go to sleep and I'll watch TV." And with that, he turned on that bright, noisy Muggle contraption. Much to my discontent, I might add. He then shrieked with excitement. "Oooh, Animal House is on!"

Great, a two-hour long movie, I thought. Oh well. It couldn't be _that_ bad, could it? Oh yes, it could.

"TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!" chanted the annoying rat man. I wanted nothing more than to kill him where he sat, but I restrained myself. He had to stop eventually, right? Then I could sleep, right? That's what I thought...before he donned a toga himself and began dancing around the room.

I had had enough. I arose from my bed and stormed out the door. But now where would I go? I hadn't thought about that. But wait! What was that sound? Rock music and screaming teenagers? It sounded like a party. Just _great_! Even if I managed to find somewhere to sleep, that horrible racket would still keep me awake! I had to put a stop to this at once, so I followed the sound to another hotel room and knocked on the door.

"Who-who is it?" asked a female voice, slurring her words.

"My name is Severus Snape, now let me in!"

"Oh! -hic- Hi, Sevvy! -hic- Come on in, buddy!" Wait...I knew that voice. It couldn't be...  
It was. Narcissa opened the door and then stumbled over to a cooler for more beer. I had never in my life seen such a sight! What terrible behavior! Some people have no common sense!

"Come on, Sevvy," said Narcissa, "-hic- Be cool. -hic- Have a drink with me and my homies here!"

**Wormtail**

I turned off the TV. Dang, that Animal House movie gets better every time I see it! It's a shame that Severus couldn't get into the toga party spirit as well, though...Where was he anyway?

The door swung open and Snape stumbled in.

"Hey, Wormtail!" he stuttered, "Guess how many beers I drank? Go ahead, guess!"

I figured it was best to not ask questions, and to look at the bright side of things. The toga party was now on!


	7. Discovering the Naked Truth

The Death Eaters were all lined up in front of their master. It could easily be seen from the dark (well, darker than usual) circles under their eyes that none of them had a restful night's sleep.

"Do we all have our beach chairs? Towels? Umbrellas?" said Voldemort.

"Yes, my lord," replied the Death Eaters in unison.

"And what about...Wait a minute. Snape, why are you wearing a bed sheet?"

"I...I don't know...," replied Snape truthfully.

"Yes, well...All righty then. What about sunscreen?"

"Yes, my lord," came the Death Eaters' reply.

"Not on you, you fools! I meant on me! I need someone to rub it on my back."

Bellatrix's hand shot up in the air. "Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Pick me! Voldypoo, over here! Pick me! Pick me! Voldypoo!"

"Let's see...How about...Wormtail?"

"Yes, master," said Wormtail, squirting the lotion into his hand.

"Awwwwww!" whined Bellatrix.

"All right, everyone in the minivan!" Voldemort exclaimed when Wormtail finished,

"This is going to be FUN!"

Everyone piled into the minivan, anxious to finally get to the beach. Voldemort carefully placed Mr. Happysmileyman in the front passenger seat and then took his place in the driver's seat. The Death Eaters cheered as the minivan pulled out of the parking lot.

"Ugh, my head...," complained Narcissa as they drove on.

"Hey, Mom?" said Draco, but Narcissa just groaned.

"Mom?" he asked again, but still nothing.

"Hey, Mom? ...Mom? ...Mommy? ...Mommy? ...Mommy? ...Mother? ...Mother? ...MOTHER?"

"BE QUIET, DRACO!" screamed Narcissa, "Um, I mean...Please be quiet, honey. Mommy has a hangover."  
"Yes, Mother."

"We're here, guys!" shouted Voldemort as loudly as he could manage, making Snape and Narcissa both flinch.

They were pulling into a sand-covered parking lot, only a short walk away from the much anticipated beach. They could hear the waves, and even see a bit of the water from a distance. What excited everyone even more was that due to a certain "accident" last year that may or may not have resulted in the deaths of many Muggles, they had to find a new beach to visit. So they had never been to this particular beach before. It was exciting not knowing what to expect.

Once parked in a convenient (and recently occupied) handicapped space, Voldemort and his followers gathered their things and ran as fast as they could toward the sand and surf. And then they arrived.

The beach was absolutely beautiful. There was sparkling blue water as far as the eye could see. The sand was perfectly clean, and felt wonderfully warm under the Death Eaters' feet. Happy seagulls flew carelessly with the crisp summer wind. And best of all, it was completely deserted. Or had the locals just not arrived yet?

That question was answered with the sound of a car's engine in the parking lot. Voldemort and the Death Eaters turned around to see who would come. It was a man who looked to be in his thirties. He had spiky hair and muscles, but he didn't look dangerous. He was wearing...Hey, wait a minute!

"Mommy?" said Draco, "Why is that man's swimsuit the same color as his skin? ...And why is it so light?"

Narcissa shrieked when she took a closer look at the man, and then covered Draco's eyes. "Don't look, Son! Don't look!"

Then more people arrived, and the Death Eaters' eyes grew wider with each one they saw.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Voldemort, "I think we chose the wrong kind of beach!"

"You know, my lord," said Bellatrix hesitantly, as if considering an appropriate way to say what she wanted, "If you really wanted to, um, join in on the fun here...You know, I wouldn't mind too much."

"Oh, keep your perverted comments to yourself, Bella!" spat Voldemort, "Everyone back to the minivan! NOW!"

"But we just got here...," complained Draco, eyes still covered by his mother's hand.

"I SAID NOW, DRACO!!" shouted Voldemort, running away from the beach as fast as he could.

The Death Eaters followed, and hopped in the minivan faster than ever. Tires squealed loudly as Voldemort rushed to find a beach that wasn't…um…"special".


	8. Olga

A safe thirty-five miles away from the beach they first visited was one that was a lot less...disturbing. The water sparkled beautifully in the sunlight, the sand was clean and pleasantly warm, and best of all, everyone was properly covered.

"OK...This looks safe," said Voldemort, voice filled with relief, "It's all right, Narcissa. You can remove your hand from Draco's eyes now."

"Are you sure?" said the WAY too concerned mother.

"Yes, already! The poor boy has no clue what's going on!"

"Well...All right." Narcissa slowly and carefully released Draco.

"The light! It burns!" he screamed.

"For badness sake, MAN UP, Son!" said Lucius.

"Malfoys, please!" Voldemort intervened, "Now is not the time for fighting. Now is the time for getting our beach party on, yo!"

With that, he removed his long black robes to reveal a pale white chest and a pair of swimming trunks with pictures of smiley faces on them. The Death Eaters imitated their master, changing into their swimsuits as well. However, it took Bellatrix a bit longer than the rest of them; for she was too busy staring in awe at the aforementioned pale white chest.

"OK now, you guys!" said Voldemort excitedly, "It's time for-"

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"What the crap was that?"

Thud. Thud. Thud. The noise seemed to draw closer every second.

"I'm scared! Where's my Mr. Happysmileyman?"

Thud. Thud. Thud. And then it appeared. Or should I say, she appeared. No, "it" would be more appropriate.

She was at least six feet tall, and probably twice as wide. If there were a record for the largest thing ever to wear a skimpy bikini, she would easily break said record. Her seventeen chins were covered in food, and her face was covered in UGLY. Buck teeth, a unibrow, a huge nose, a clueless expression...this woman had the whole package. And then "it" spoke, with a voice so loud that it could raise the dead.

"ME OLGA!"

Wormtail stared at Olga, mouth agape. He could hardly speak due to the shock.  
"She's...She's...She's..."

"I know," said Voldemort, "She's ug--"

"She's beautiful!!"

Voldemort turned to Wormtail in shock. If he had eyebrows, he would have raised them. "What the crap, Wormtail?!"

Wormtail continued to stare at Olga. "She's like a wonderful dream..."

"More like a terrible nightmare!"

Olga spoke up, drowning out all other noise with her booming voice. "OLGA LIKE FOOD!"

"I-I like f-food, too," Wormtail managed to stutter.

"WHO ARE YOU, LITTLE FAT MAN?"

"My n-name is W-Wormtail..."

Olga just stared at him, expression void of any thought or emotion.

It was clear she wasn't going to say anything, so Wormtail spoke up. "Um, would you like me to buy you some food, Olga?"

Suddenly Olga's face lit up. "OLGA LIKE FOOD! OLGA LIKE YOU NOW!"

"Holy crap!" said Voldemort, "Wormtail has a GIRLFRIEND! What's this world coming to?"

Five hours had passed since Wormtail and his new girlfriend went out to buy food. Voldemort sat out by the motel's pool, his expression full of anger. Despite the fact that he was holding a teddy bear, now was not the time to cross him. Finally the happy couple could be seen approaching him from the parking lot.

"WORMTAIL!" roared Voldemort, "Where the crap have you been? I needed you to rub sunblock on me FIVE BLASTED HOURS AGO! If Rodolphus had not been there to assist me, Bellatrix would have done it herself! That would have been worse than a Cruciatus Curse for me, Wormtail! You had better have a darn good explanation!"

"I'm sorry, Master...," replied Wormtail, "We were eating."

"FOR FIVE BLASTED HOURS?"

"Yes, well..."

Olga interrupted. "WORMY, OLGA WANT TO GO TO McDONALD'S!"

Wormtail replied very slowly and carefully. "Olga, honey, you ate everything at McDonald's already."

"BURGER KING?"

"You cleaned them out, too."

"TACO BELL?"

"You ate every last nacho, sweetheart."

"STUCKEY'S?"

"Lifelong ban, remember?"

"Hold on there," said Voldemort, utterly confused, "Where DIDN'T you eat?"

"OLGA NO EAT AT KRYSTAL'S. THEIR BURGERS ARE TOO SMALL. SMALLISH BURGERS TASTE LIKE DEAD CAT."

Voldemort's face twisted in disgust. "And how would you know what a dead cat tastes like?"

"OLGA WAS HUNGRY ONE DAY. THERE WAS NO FOOD, THERE WAS DEAD CAT ON ROAD, WHAT WAS OLGA SUPPOSED TO DO?"

"I see...Well, Olga, I must say I'm impressed," Voldemort snickered, "That was quite a long sentence for you."

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ZOMBIE MAN?"

"EXCUSE ME? I am not a zombie! In fact, Bellatrix said I look like a sexy vampire! Hmmph!"

"YOU LOOK LIKE DEATH WARMED OVER, NO NOSE!"

Voldemort glared at Wormtail. "Dang, 'Wormy'. You sure know how to pick 'em."

"OLGA LIKE FOOD!"

Wormtail chuckled uncomfortably. "Yep, she's a keeper..."

Olga's giant eyes lit up. "TEDDY BEAR LOOK LIKE FOOD!"

"No!" screamed Voldemort, "Take whatever you want, but leave Mr. Happysmileyman alone!"

Olga lunged for the bear, and Voldemort ran to his room as fast as his small bony legs could take him.

"WORMY!" said Olga when Voldemort locked his door, "WE GO FIND FOOD NOW?"

Wormtail sighed. "Of course, honey."


	9. Sick and Wrong

**Disclaimer: If you are a fan of Sweeney Todd, please be aware that any opinions stated by Voldemort do not match those of the author. In fact, the author thought that movie was freaking awesome. Please do not hunt her down, kill her, and/or bake her into a pie. Thank you, and have a nice day.**

The Dark Lord had returned to his room two hours ago. He lay on his rock...I mean bed, wondering where the heck Wormtail was.

"I wonder where the heck Wormtail is!" said Voldemort, thinking aloud, "He's supposed to shampoo my head!" He sighed. "Ever since he started dating that Olga person, he's had little time for me! But what's a Dark Lord to do?" He paused for a minute, in deep thought. "Perhaps I should 'pull a Hannah Montana' and get a girlfriend myself to make Wormtail jealous! ...But who should it be?"

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Voldemort started to get up in order to answer it, but apparently whoever was knocking somehow had a key to his room. Bellatrix rushed inside, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh, Voldypoo!" she said happily, "I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma through the smoke detector!"

"I knew it!" said Voldemort under his breath.

"I think you know where I'm going with this..."

"Well, I certainly hope you're going out the door!"

"No, Voldypoo, I can be your girlfriend! Isn't that super?"

Voldemort sighed and rolled his red snakelike eyes. "Bella, you're married..."

"Oh, right. Him. He's just a bump in the road," said Bellatrix. Then she continued quietly, just to herself, "And he'll soon be a bump under my car..."

"You don't even have a car!"

"Oh yeah." She seemed surprised that he had heard her. "Well, I can just set him on fire or push him off a cliff...y'know, something fun."

"Yes...you do that."

"So?" she said eagerly, "How 'bout it, Stud Muffin?"

He paused to consider his other options, and then realized with disappointment that he had none. "Fine...You can go out with me."

The resulting scream of excitement broke every window in the hotel. Needless to say, the Dark Lord had quite a bit less Muggle money after that.

Voldemort and Bellatrix sat out by the pool, waiting. Bellatrix gazed in awe at her new "boyfriend", who would glance around anxiously every few seconds. Wormtail would be back soon, and Voldemort didn't want to miss one chance to make him jealous.

"Bella?" he asked, "Any chance you might know where Wormtail and Olga are?"

"No. Sorry, Voldykins. There's a good chance they're eating again, though--" She was interrupted by a loud noise.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Oh, never mind," she continued, "Here they come."

Sure enough, Wormtail approached them from the parking lot, followed by the gargantuan known as Olga. She seemed to be even bigger than before, and was it possible that she had one extra chin?

"Oh, hello, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "Did you hear Bella and I are dating now? We are the hottest couple at the hotel, you know." Sadly, this wasn't a lie.

Wormtail looked confused but indifferent. "Oh, well...That's nice. Anyway, guess what Olga and I are going to do!"

"Enter a pie eating contest?" Voldemort chuckled evilly at his own joke.

"No, we already got kicked out of that. We're going on a date to see Sweeney Todd!"

"What the crap is Sweeney Todd?"

"It's a musical horror movie."

"Sounds like my kind of movie. After all, I did rather enjoy High School Musical...Um, Bella, why don't we...," he had to force the coming words out of his mouth, "...double date...with Olga and Wormtail?"

Bellatrix's face lit up. Voldemort knew what was coming, so he spoke quickly and sternly, "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THEY JUST FIXED THE BLASTED WINDOWS!"

So Bellatrix covered her mouth with her hand, jumping up and down and freaking out in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Finally she calmed down somewhat and said with a squeak, "YES!!"

She yelled to her husband, who was sitting by the other side of the pool looking lonely. "Rodolphus, get your purse! You must be our snack carrier!"

Rodolphus smiled. "Finally! It's my time to shine!"

* * *

Olga, Wormtail, Bellatrix, and Voldemort all stood in line to buy movie tickets. Bellatrix gazed longingly at Voldemort while Olga gazed longingly at the snack counter.

"OLGA LIKE FOOD!"

"I know, dear," said Wormtail with a sigh, "You said so every five minutes on the way here."

"WELL, OLGA DO LIKE FOOD!"

"No, honey, it's 'Olga does like food'."

"FOOD! LET'S GET SOME, WORMY!"

"In a minute, dear. We have to buy our tickets first."

"TICKETS FOOD?"

"No, tickets are not food."

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Wormtail took in a deep, cleansing breath, and then stepped forward. He was next in line. "Two tickets for Sweeney Todd." He took the tickets and guided Olga toward the snack counter.

Then it was Voldemort's turn. He stepped forward looking confident, but then his face fell. "Crap, I don't have money..."

"That's all right, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, clinging tight to his arm, "Rodolphus does!"

Rodolphus walked past his wife and her date, and pulled a wallet out of his man purse. "Three for Sweeney Todd."

"Um, you mean _two_," corrected Bellatrix.

Rodolphus's face lit up. "You mean we're finally going on a date?"

"It's not for you, loser! It's for Voldypoo!"

"But what am I supposed to do for two hours?"

"I don't care…lick the gum off the benches or something!"

"Yes, dear..."

Loud voices were heard in the background. "Don't eat those! We need them to get into the theater!" "YOU SUCK, WORMY!"

"Come, Bella," said Voldemort, "Let's meet them at the snack counter, shall we?"

"Whatever you say, you steamy hunk of--"

"I don't want to hear it!"

They approached the snack counter. Wormtail's expression was hopeless as Olga made her demands.

"OLGA WANT POPCORN! OLGA WANT CANDY!"

"All right, I'll take one large popcorn and one package of M&M's, please."

"NO! OLGA WANT ALL POPCORN! OLGA WANT ALL CANDY!"

"All the popcorn and candy? Honey, I can't afford that!"

"THEN OLGA NO LIKE YOU NO MORE!"

"Give me as much popcorn and candy as this will buy." He handed the girl behind the counter a huge wad of money, then took a humongous armful of food. Bellatrix glared in envy.

"Voldypooooooooo!" she whined, "Why won't you buy me as much stuff as Wormtail buys his girlfriend?"

Voldemort stared at her incredulously. "You've got to be freakin' kidding me! Do you want to get huge like her?"

"Well, no...But it's the thought that counts, Volders."

"Fine. Rodolphus, buy the rest of those snacks!"

Rodolphus removed his tongue from the underside of a bench and hesitantly approached Voldemort. "But, my lord...I'm not sure I can--"

"RODOLPHUS!" screamed Bellatrix, "GET YOUR CHEAP BUTT OVER HERE AND PAY FOR THOSE DANG SNACKS THIS INSTANT!"

"Yes, dear..."

He paid for the snacks, and then carried them into the theater while Voldemort and Bellatrix watched in amusement. Then the new couple took their seats, and Rodolphus returned to the lobby to obediently resume his gum licking. Bellatrix yawned and put her arm around her date, only to receive a nasty Crucio.

"Hands to yourself, pervert!" said Voldemort.

Not much happened during the first half of the movie. Olga ate a lot, and Voldemort blew up someone's cell phone as they were texting, but that was about it. Then the Dark Lord spoke up.

"What kind of horrible person would enjoy this movie? It's sick and wrong!"

"Good acting in it, though," commented Bellatrix.

"I agree," said Wormtail.

"I agree as well," said Snape, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"Snape?" said Voldemort, "What the crap are you doing here?"

"Sorry," said Snape, and he Apparated away.

"WORMY!" said Olga, much too loudly for a quiet theater, "OLGA OUT OF FOOD!"

"Well, honey, there's nothing I can do," whispered Wormtail, "The theater is out of food, too."

"BUT OLGA HUNGRY! OLGA WANT FOOD!"

"Hey, quiet down there!" shouted a man sitting in the back.

"LITTLE MAN TASTE GOOD?" wondered Olga, causing the man to run out the emergency exit screaming.

"LITTLE MAN RUN FAST." She turned her giant head to look at Bellatrix and Voldemort. "CRAZY LADY! GIVE OLGA YOUR FOOD!"

"No!" shrieked Bellatrix in reply, "Voldypoo bought it for me! It's MINE!"

Voldemort again rolled his eyes. She had hardly taken a bite of it, and the pile was probably bigger than she was!

"FINE! OLGA _TAKE_ FOOD!" Olga shoved Bellatrix out of the way and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"Voldypoo! Defend me!"

"Are you kidding?" said Voldemort, "I'm not fighting her! She's huge!"

"I have a suggestion!" intervened Wormtail, "Let's all go eat at a restaurant now!"

"THAT GOOD IDEA, WORMY!" said Olga, who had already finished the huge pile of  
Bellatrix's food.

* * *

"Master?"

"WOAH! ...I mean, what is it, Wormtail?" Voldemort was shivering. He nearly fell out of his seat in surprise when Wormtail addressed him.

"Um, I was just going to ask what you wanted to eat, that's all...," replied Wormtail, gesturing toward the menu in Voldemort's hand.

The odd couples sat at a booth in one of the town's more popular restaurants, Bellatrix next to Voldemort and Olga next to Wormtail.

"Oh. Yes, well...I suppose I overreacted a bit. But that movie just really creeped me out, that's all!"

"We know!" said everyone else at the table, except for Olga, who said, "OLGA KNOW!"

Voldemort had originally chosen a different restaurant, but when he found out that they were serving meat pies, he ran out of there faster than Severus Snape confronted with...well, we all know that comparison.

"Really, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, "it wasn't that bad."

Voldemort just ignored her. "I want my Mr. Happysmileyman..."

Wormtail looked at Bellatrix apologetically. "Um, he hasn't seen anything over PG. He just watches The Wizard of Oz most of the time.

Bellatrix looked perplexed. "Why?"

"He likes to complain about how wrong they are about witches and wizards, usually dousing me with water to prove his point. Also, he likes it when the munchkins sing and dance."

"Oh..."

"Are you all ready to order?" asked a waitress, causing Voldemort to jump in shock again.

"Yes," began Wormtail, "I'll have a--"

"OLGA WANT EVERYTHING!"

"I'm sorry...what?" said the very confused waitress.

"DID OLGA STUTTER, MENU LADY? EVERYTHING!"

"You want everything on the menu??"

"NO, EVERYTHING IN KITCHEN!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"OLGA NO JOKE ABOUT FOOD!"

Wormtail leaned over and whispered in the waitress' ear, "Just give her one of everything. She'll probably fall for it."

"WHAT YOU SAY, WORMY?"

"Nothing, honey."

* * *

Voldemort stumbled into his hotel room, exhausted. What time was it? It seemed to take forever for the chef at the restaurant to cook all of Olga's food, and despite the fact that it took Olga only ten seconds to devour said food, it had to be incredibly late. Suddenly his rock hard bed seemed like heaven. He lay down and began to drift off to sleep...

_Beep! Beep! Beep! It's seven a.m.! Time to get up! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"Crap...," said Voldemort, picking up his alarm clock and chucking it against the wall. It continued to beep.

"Crap!" he said again, sending a Bombarda toward it.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"CRAP!!" he screamed, finally getting up to face a new day.


	10. IT OVER

**A/N: I'm really sorry it's taken so long to get the last couple of chapters up. I try to post all my stories here and at harrypotterfanfiction at the same time, but they have to validate each chapter, one at a time over there, which can take ten days at the most. But I always make sure to post a new chapter here as soon as I find out it's been validated there, so don't worry- I'm doing my best.**

"Well, so much for making Wormtail jealous...It's simply not worth it!"

Voldemort's feet dragged across the ground as he made his way to the pool where the Death Eaters were waiting for him. He was so tired due to the lack of sleep the previous night that he almost fell down the steps, but somehow he reached the pool unharmed. The redness in his eyes was intensified, now accompanied by the dark circles underneath. He removed his black robes to reveal Superman swimming trunks, and then he applied his sunscreen everywhere but on his back.

"Wormtail, you know the drill," said the Dark Lord weakly, turning his back to him.

"Rodolphus," he continued while Wormtail rubbed lotion on his back, "Go get me some coffee...and do keep it away from your wife, will you?"

"Don't worry, my lord," said Rodolphus, "I never let her have coffee anyway..."

"Yes, very good choice on your part...Wormtail, why aren't you as tired as I am?"

Wormtail smiled. "I'm too in love to feel bad!"

"Well, aren't we just a big ol' bucket of freakin' sunshine!" spat Voldemort bitterly, "Now where is my coffee??"

"Right here, my lord!" Rodolphus ran as fast as he could while holding a cup full of scalding hot coffee.

"Excellent!" Voldemort gulped down the coffee. "_Crucio!_ That's for taking too long!"

Rodolphus writhed in pain. "Very good, sir..."

"Yes, well, I suppose we should get going--"

"VOLDYPOO!!"

"Oh crap..."

Bellatrix ran up to Voldemort and hugged him tightly for what seemed to him like an eternity. "Bella!" he choked, "I can't breathe!!"

"Sorry, I just had so much fun last night!!"

"Did you have coffee this morning?"

"No, I'm not allowed coffee! I don't know why!" She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and squealed with excitement.

Voldemort paused, and then spoke in a whisper. "Are you..._on_ something?

"No, but I'm supposed to be!" she replied with a laugh.

"Yes, I'm sure you are..."

"I'm just high on LOVE, Voldelicious!"

Voldemort shivered. Making Wormtail jealous, he thought, was definitely not the best idea. He had to get out of this somehow.

"Um, Bella...How would you react if I told you, hypothetically, that we had to break up?"

"I would never be happy again as long as I lived..."

_OK_, thought Voldemort, _I can live with that._

Bellatrix continued, "I would cry every day thinking of what could have been..."

Voldemort nodded to himself. This could work.

"And furthermore, I would never be emotionally able to use my skills involving the Cruciatus Curse or _Avada Kedavra_ ever again..."

Voldemort's eyes widened at this statement. _Oh heck no_, he thought, _what the crap does she think I keep her around for?_

"So, Voldypoo, why did you ask me that?"

"Um, no reason..." He attempted to fake a smile, but ended up just looking constipated. "Love ya, baby!"

"Ooooooooooooooooh!" Bellatrix once again squealed with excitement and jumped up and down. "I love you too, you steamy hunk of man candy!!"

Voldemort winced. "Indeed...Let's all go to the beach now, shall we?"

"You got it, sweet thang!" She skipped happily toward the beach, pulling Volders along by the hand. "Rodolphus, get my bag," she continued indifferently, not even bothering to look at him.

Rodolphus picked up the very heavy bag and followed. It wasn't that long a walk to the beach, but when you're carrying a fifty-pound bag filled with who knows what, it could seem like miles. When the Death Eaters finally reached the sand, Rodolphus happily dropped the bag, spilling its contents.

"Bricks?" he said angrily.

"You're welcome!" shouted Bellatrix.

The Death Eaters all removed their black robes to reveal their swim wear. Wide eyes stared at Draco when he removed his, for his swim wear consisted of a Speedo decorated in a rainbow of colors.

Voldemort furiously mouthed the words to Lucius, "Talk to your son!"

"Son...," began Lucius cautiously, "Young men should not wear...things like that..."

"Why not?" said Draco innocently.

"They just...shouldn't, OK?"

"But it's so pretty..."

"My badness," commented Voldemort, "he certainly is naive, isn't he? How old is he again?"

"Seventeen," said Lucius, looking at his feet shamefully.

"Holy crap..."

"Come, Draco!" Lucius was eager to escape. "Let's go back to the hotel and change, shall we?"

"You don't understand me, Dad!!" With that, Draco stomped back toward the hotel with his hands on his hips.

All were uncomfortably silent for a while. A few of the Death Eaters rubbed their eyes as if to remove the memory of the recent unpleasant sight. The silence was finally broken with sounds in the distance...

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

"Oooh, here comes my Olga!" said Wormtail, blushing. When she approached, he reached out to embrace her, but she blocked him with her humongous hand.

"WORMY, IT OVER!"

"Wh-what?"

"YOU NO AFFORD MUCH FOOD. OLGA DATING HUNKY LIFEGUARD NOW! HE AFFORD LOTS OF FOOD!"

"But...But, Olga, honey...I can change!"

"IT NOT YOU. IT OLGA. GOOD BYE, WORMY." _Thud. Thud. Thud._

Wormtail watched her as she left. He gazed, devastated, in her direction until the thuds eventually faded away. Tears ran down his face, but he didn't say a word.

"I don't understand…," said Voldemort, "How?"

"I don't know...," sniffed Wormtail, "I thought things were going great..."

"No, I mean how could _she_ land a hunky lifeguard? It makes no sense!"

Wormtail broke into sobs and ran back to the hotel. Voldemort looked confused. "What did I say?"

"Come on, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, again grabbing his hand, "No sense in staying around here. We're going on another date!"

"Hey, just wait a minute--" But it was too late. She had already dragged him away.

**A/N: So, needless to say, Voldy's in deep you-know-what now. Also needless to say, I am VERY anxious to post the next chapter!**


	11. Hang in There, Voldemort

**A/N: Hope everyone had a great Halloween! I had a lot of fun dressing up as Narcissa Malfoy this year. Luckily, this chapter got validated at hpff a lot sooner than I thought. Although I had to edit it a bit to fit the rules there, this version is in its complete form. Enjoy!**

"What in the name of Salazar Slytherin are you planning, Bella?!" asked Voldemort furiously. He sat in the front passenger seat of the minivan as Bellatrix drove wildly down the streets.

"You'll see!" replied Bellatrix with an excited but evil laugh, almost running into another pedestrian.

"You don't drive much, do you?"

"Nope! How am I doing?"

"Er...great. Just great."

"Yay!" she shrieked, stomping the gas pedal to show her pleasure.

"Get off the road, maniac!" shouted an old lady attempting to cross the street.

"YOU get off the road!" replied Bellatrix as she missed the elderly woman by inches.

"We sure do offend a lot of elderly women," commented Voldemort. "Um, Bella, listen.... Maybe this date's not such a good idea...."

Bellatrix turned to Voldemort with tears in her eyes. She sniffed. "Why not?"

"Um, never mind," said Voldemort, remembering what she had said yesterday about losing her magical talents if her heart were broken. "Now for badness sake KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!"

"Oh, right. Ha ha, how silly of me!" The three men she just hit probably didn't think it was as funny as she did. "Well, here we are!"

They pulled into a parking lot in front of a large mall, which seemed to be busy today. There was hardly any room to park, so Bellatrix _made_ room.

"What the crap are we here for?" demanded her unfortunate date.

"I'm going to try stuff on, and you're going to carry my bags and tell me how pretty I look!"

"Oh, _heck_ no!"

She sniffed again. "Why not?"

"Um, I just...uh...need to...pee first!" _I'm getting so good at lying_, he thought to himself.

"Excellent! I'll go with you!"

"Oh...splendid...."

* * *

Snape lay down and rested his eyes. It was so quiet in his motel room today…a bit_ too_ quiet. Why wasn't Wormtail bugging the crap out of him like he always did? As much as he wanted to ignore this question and enjoy the unexplained peace, he couldn't help but wonder. So he sat up and glanced at the bed next to him, finding Wormtail lying there silently, staring at the ceiling.

Snape sighed. "All right, Wormtail, I'll probably be kicking myself later for asking this, but what's troubling you?"

"Olga dumped me," Wormtail sulked. "I just want to be alone!"

"Oh, stop being so over dramatic! That's supposed to be _my_ thing!"

"Sorry, Snape...." He began to sob. "Oh, Olga, why did you leave me?"

"Fine, whatever...." Snape lay down again and closed his eyes. He planned on taking advantage of the quiet as long as he could. But it only took a few minutes for him to realize that he could not sleep. He _despised_ feeling sympathetic, but he could not help it, so he stood up and pulled the sheets off his bed. "Wormtail, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but _please_ wear this sheet like a toga and dance around noisily! Honestly, I'll sleep better if you do."

"Thanks, but I really don't feel like having a toga party right now."

Giving up, Snape put the sheets back on the bed. He lay there for a long time, thinking of the irony. _Oh, how the tables have turned,_ he thought, _I never dreamed I'd see the day that _Wormtail_ would become more emo than me!_

* * *

Bellatrix skipped happily out of the shopping mall, followed by a much gloomier Voldemort, who was carrying at least twenty shopping bags.

"Shall I put these in the trunk?" he grunted.

"Nah, just pile them all up in the back seat. I'll probably never wear any of that crap anyway."

"I see," said Voldemort, trying to mask his anger. That "crap" cost him a ton of Muggle money! "Can we go back to the hotel now?"

Bellatrix laughed. "No, silly! We haven't even eaten out yet! I know this awesome place."

"Right, well...can I at least drive?"

"I wouldn't hear of it! Now that we're together I plan on chauffeuring you EVERYWHERE! Anything for my man!"

"Ah...how...er, sweet of you...." _Hang in there, Voldemort_, he thought to himself.

As the surrounding scenery passed by much quicker than it should have, Bellatrix mumbled to herself. Or at least it sounded like mumbling, for the engine was roaring too loud to tell. "Fifty-five miles per hour? Nobody tells me what to do! I'll show that sign who's boss!"

"Don't they have any policemen out here??" said Voldemort desperately.

The second he uttered these words, sirens were heard in the background.

"Crap!" said Bellatrix, reluctantly pulling over. "Don't worry," she continued with a seductive wink. "We women know _exactly_ how to get out of a speeding ticket...."

The policeman approached the car. "Ma'am, are you aware that you were going--"

"_Avada Kedavra!"_ screamed Bellatrix, speeding away as the policeman fell.

Minutes later, they pulled into yet another parking lot, this one in front of a large and busy restaurant. Voldemort stared with dread at the sign on the building, which read, "Uncle Bob's Karaoke and Sushi Buffet". _Great_, he thought, _two things I despise: karaoke and raw fish._

Just as he had feared, the aroma of sushi overwhelmed him as soon as they walked in the door. Bellatrix took in a deep breath. How she could possibly take pleasure in such a scent he could not comprehend. Oh, how he wished he had a nose to hold. He never realized until now that there were drawbacks to having such handsome features as slit nostrils.

Soon they were seated close to the karaoke stage, where a large man was currently singing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls.

"What can I get you two to drink?" asked the waitress.

"We'll both have red wine!" said Bellatrix before Voldemort could even open his mouth.

"Are you freaking _kidding_ me?" said Voldemort.

"Come on, live a little!"

"Well...all right...." He certainly could not deny that if he ever needed alcohol, it was tonight.

"All righty then," said the waitress. "I'll be back in a sec. You can help yourselves to the sushi bar."

"Um...excuse me," said Voldemort. "Do you have anything...cooked?"

The waitress giggled. "You're funny!" And she left to get the drinks.

The crowd began to cheer as the fat man finished, probably because the dreadful performance was over. He took a bow.

"Well," said Voldemort, "that was sufficiently disturbing.... I'm going to the buffet now."

"You go ahead," said Bellatrix. "I'll get my food in a minute."

He did not argue with her and got up to scan the buffet table for anything he could consider edible. He looked over the selection at least three times before deciding to just settle with the sushi. _Who knows_, he thought, _maybe raw fish does taste good...._ He made his way back to the table with a full plate, only to drop it in shock when he saw who was on the karaoke stage.

"This one goes out to my stud muffin Voldypoo!" Bellatrix pointed at her mortified date. "That's him right there! Give him a hand, folks!"

Voldemort sunk down in his seat as the crowd clapped for him. He had already forgotten he had spilled his food, for all he could think about was the humiliation. The music started to play a tune that he, being a country fanatic, recognized instantly. Bellatrix began to sing shrilly and off-key, causing him to wince and sink even lower in his seat.

"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car...." She missed every note but sang confidently, as if she thought she was not only as good as Taylor Swift, but much better. "He had a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heeeeeeaaaaaart, I looked around, turned the radio down, he said, 'Baby is something wrong?' I said 'Nothing, I was just thinking how we don't have a soooooooong....'" Then her voice rose to twice its usual volume, still as off-key as ever. "And he said, 'Our song is the slamming screen dooooooors, sneakin' out late, tappin' on your window, when we're on the phone and you talk real slow, cause it's late and your mama don't know, our song is the way you laugh, the first date man I didn't kiss her and I should have, and when I got home before I said amen, askin' God if he...COULD PLAY IT AGAIN!'"

By this time Voldemort was all the way under the table, curled up into a fetal position and holding his ears.

After another minute of utter torture, Bellatrix began the last verse, which she had altered a bit. "Our song is the slamming screen doooooors, sneakin' out late, spying through his window, when he's all alone and I walk real slow, cause it's late and my Voldy don't know, our song is the way he laughs, the first date man I didn't kiss him and I should have, and when I got home before I said amen, askin' God if he...COULD PLAY IT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! OH OH YEAH! PLAY IT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"

_Whew_, thought Voldemort, _it's over_. He curiously peeked over the top of the table. Of course her glass was already empty. He grabbed his glass and downed all the wine at once. _Why didn't I do that before_, he thought.

Bellatrix jumped off the stage and grabbed Voldemort by the hand. "Get up there, Voldypoo! It's fun!"

"What, are you crazy? No way I'm doing that!"

Bellatrix's eyes once again filled with tears. "Why not?"

"Fine!" Voldemort grabbed the mic. At least he'd had enough wine to get through this… maybe.

"All right...Noseless Wonder!" said a large man who the Dark Lord assumed was Uncle Bob, "What cha gonna sing for us tonight?"

In his drunken state, Voldemort was unable to think of any songs that would make him sound unbelievably cool, so he requested the first song that came to mind. Uncle Bob pressed a button on the karaoke machine and the music began to play.

"Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp and she's probably getting frisky.... Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...." He could carry a tune no better than his date; only his voice was not shrill but deep toned, with a very pronounced British accent. "Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo...and he don't know.... I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SOUPED UP FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!" He was really getting into the music, sounding as angry as if he had really been cheated on and making various dance moves. "CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATS!"

He held that last note so long that he ran out of breath and fainted to the floor. The last thing he could remember was a mass of black hair and a loud voice saying, "Voldypoo, are you all right? That was AWESOME!"


	12. An Unexpected Iniquity

Voldemort woke with a splitting headache and a sickly feeling in his stomach. He was lying on his bed in his hotel room, still wearing the same clothes from the previous night. He sat up and rubbed his eyes several times. Did the room always spin so much? He staggered out of bed, having to hold on to the nightstand to keep from falling down. Once he regained his balance, he stretched his muscles, scratched himself, and dragged his feet slowly to the bathroom, stopping at the mirror. _Holy crap_, he thought, _have my eyes always been this red? _And they were indeed much redder than usual. The dark circles underneath were also intensified. He looked sick.

"Ugh...so _this_ is a hangover...."

He dragged his feet back to the bed, rubbing his aching eyelids with one hand and scratching himself again with the other. Today was a day for sleeping in, and he'd surely be out cold again as soon as his head hit the pillow. But suddenly, an unexpected voice woke him from his woozy state.

"Good morning, Voldypoo."

"What the crap?" he said, jumping up at once. He hadn't even noticed the bed beside him, where Bellatrix was sitting, watching him.

"Bellatrix! You scared the living crap out of me! How long have you been here?"

"Oh, since we got here around one thirty."

"In the _morning?"_

_"_No...In the afternoon," she replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"What have you been doing all this time?"

"Watching you sleep. Dang, you sure can snore. Oh, and you also mumble a lot. You kept saying something about keying a car." Bellatrix giggled. "Gee, I wonder why?" she continued sarcastically.

"Okay, there are just a few points I'd like to make." Voldemort seemed to be having a hard time restraining himself from screaming in anger. "One…YOU…ARE…CREEPY!!!" He shook angrily, then took a deep breath and continued, "Two...WHAT I DO IN MY SLEEP IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! _CREEPY!_" He took another deep breath, this one longer. "Three...," he continued, but this time lost control. "HOW DARE YOU TAKE UP EVEN PART OF THE SPACE REQUIRED FOR COMFORT BY MR. HAPPYSMILEYMAN?"

Bellatrix glanced at the pillow where Mr. Happysmileyman lay. "Oh, he was fine. In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd say he enjoyed my company!"

"HE...IS...A...VERY...HIGH...MAINTENANCE...TEDDY BEAR!!!!"

Bellatrix looked at Voldemort sympathetically, and then replied slowly as if she were explaining something to a small child. "Voldypoo, I know you love your teddy bear, but just listen. We're _together_ now. You're going to have to make some sacrifices for _my_ sake, OK? Separate yourself from Mr. Happysmileyman a little bit."

Voldemort's eyes were wide with shock. This could NOT be happening. "_Separate_ myself from Mr. Happysmileyman? Are you insane? You know a Dark Lord is nothing without his teddy bear!"

"Oh, well I suppose if you prefer your teddy bear to me," she replied a bit too dramatically, "that's just fine. I mean, I'm sure I'll be just as useful to you without my powers...." She had him right where she wanted him.

Voldemort was furious. _What have I gotten myself into?_, he thought. _Why couldn't any of the SANE Death Eaters have extraordinary _Crucio_ skills?_ He went over the options in his head. _Date Bellatrix until the Order is eliminated and she is no longer needed?_ He shuddered. Who knew how long that could be? _Or get rid of her, possibly lose to the Order, and die? _So...date Bellatrix or die? He'd have to think this one over...but for now he was helpless and just had to play along. He somehow forced a smile.

Bellatrix studied his expression. "Are you constipated?"

"No...I'm, uh, just looking forward to a day at the beach with my...wonderful...new girlfriend!" He shuddered at the horrific things he was saying. "Mr. Happysmileyman…will have to wait."

"Excellent!" Thrilled that she had won, she jumped up and lunged for him unexpectedly.

"EEEEEKKKKK!" he screamed. "ASSAULT! HARASSMENT! SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!" And he ran out the door.

Bellatrix sighed. "He's been watching Dateline again...." At that moment she noticed something out of the corner of her eye and turned her head toward Mr. Happysmileyman in shock. "Did that thing just...wink at me? I really am insane...."

Whether it had moved of its own accord or not, for now the teddy bear lay still. In fact, it was almost unnaturally still....

* * *

Voldemort pounded furiously upon the door of another motel room. "LUCIUS! FOR BADNESS SAKE, OPEN UP!"

Lucius rushed to the door and swung it open. "My Lord! What on earth is troubling you?"

Voldemort stared into space with wide eyes. "Oh, Lucius, it was so scary.... Luckily I had seen enough Datelines to know what to do...." He threw his arms around Lucius. "Hold me, Lucius! I need comfort!"

"Er...My Lord...," said a very _un_comfortable Lucius, "I hate to turn you down in your 'time of need', but my son is here, and I'm kind of trying to steer him in the...um..._opposite_ direction."

Voldemort jerked away at once. "Oh, of course! I forgot about that."

Draco smiled at them. "Aww...it's a cornucopia of love! Can I have a hug, too?"

"NO!" shouted Voldemort and Lucius in unison.

"Aww! You guys are mean!"

"So young, so innocent....," lamented Voldemort under his breath. "Alas, how I miss those days...."

"My Lord, it couldn't have been that bad," said Lucius.

"Oh, couldn't it? I shall never be the same again, Lucius. Never...."

"Perhaps if you just take a few minutes to relax...Are you sure you're not overreacting?"

"How dare you suggest that, you...you...HURTFUL PERSON!" He paused and studied Lucius's and Draco's faces. They were staring at him with frightened expressions. "Okay, so my emotions may be a _bit_ affected by the hangover."

The Malfoys nodded jerkily, still staring.

"I suppose I _could_ do with a quick nap...."

"Of course," said both Malfoys in unison, a little too quickly.

"Excellent," said Voldemort, choosing a bed. "But first things first, the unicorn posters must GO."

* * *

Mr. Happysmileyman was all alone in Voldemort's hotel room. His expression was sinisterly thoughtful rather than frozen into a smile, like it was around witnesses. He spoke to himself in a very deep, intimidating voice. "Lord Happysmileyman, the most feared Dark Lord in the teddy bear world, always gets what he wants, no matter who stands in his way. It is clear to me now that two people must die if I am to obtain what I truly desire. Once Voldemort and Rodolphus are out of the way, Bellatrix and I shall be together forever! _Muahahahaha!!!!!"_

"This thing sure is ugly," commented a maid as she tossed the teddy bear aside to make up the bed.

"Foolish woman! How dare you defy me? I kill you now!" he shouted, but the maid failed to hear.

She then tossed a pillow, and it landed right on top of him. He struggled against his soft, downy prison, but to no avail. "You win this round, maid...."

* * *

Voldemort yawned. "That was quite refreshing! I feel a thousand times better!"

"That's great, my lord!" said Lucius, "You've slept for half of the day. It's three o' clock now."

"Ah, then there's still plenty of time to go to the beach!" Voldemort jumped enthusiastically out of bed and walked to the bathroom, this time actually lifting his feet off the ground. He shook his head when he looked in the mirror. "Oh dear. It seems the recent events have done quite a lot of damage to my hair." He picked up one of Lucius's many hairbrushes and attempted to "smooth out" the empty space above his head. And that, my dear readers, is what we call denial.

"Oh, you think you know everything just because you're the author!"

Denial. Denial. Denial.

"You're just trying to get on my nerves! But it won't work today!"

Deeeeeeeeeniiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaal........

"My lord?" said Lucius. "Who are you talking to?"

Voldemort chuckled nervously. "Why, no one, of course!" He then skipped happily out the door. He felt so much better after his nap; nothing could bring him down today. At least, he thought so, until....

"Well, howdy there, No Nose!"

"Oh…My…_Badness_."

"I haven't seen you since my brother/uncle/second cousin fixed yur van! He's here, too, ya know! We all are!"

Voldemort froze in terror, unable to move as he was yet again embraced by the mechanic, this time more moist than before.


	13. Fun With No Nose and Bell

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

A rather large hillbilly screamed as he jumped off the diving board, landing in the pool with a tremendous splash.

"Ew!" said Draco. "He got me wet!"

"Man up, son!" said Lucius, who was standing beside Draco close to the pool. "You're going to get wet every once in a while, so get over it!"

Another hillbilly dove headfirst into the pool, creating a splash almost as large as the last.

Lucius screamed. "My hair!!! That was _leave-in_ conditioner, you fool!"

Draco stared at his father, perplexed by the irony.

Meanwhile, our favorite Dark Lord was being dragged around the pool against his will by Earl, who was reintroducing every member of his incredibly large family.

"You remember Billy Bob, Bob Billy, Walker, Texas Ranger, Ellie Mae...." He droned on and on.

"Yes, yes, I remember," said Voldemort, trying to free his arm from Earl's grasp, "but you still didn't answer my original question. Why the crap are you here?"

"Oh, right. Well, No Nose, we done heard ya talkin' back at thuh farmhouse 'bout goin' ta thuh beach, and we thought that sounded like a right good ideer. So we hitched up our wagon and hightailed it on down hur! It wern't no trouble a findin' yur minivan, and weeeeellllllp...here we are!"

"Yes...here you are....," Voldemort grunted. He was trying hard to be pleasant, which proved quite difficult.

"No Nose? Are you constipated?"

"Why no.... Of course not." He glanced up toward the motel. Many guests pulled their curtains aside to see what the loud noises were, and then quickly pulled them shut again when they saw the overweight hillbillies in swimsuits. He groaned when he saw Bellatrix outside her room, searching the pool area...probably for him. "Let's keep walking and talking, shall we, Earl?"

"What's thuh rush, No Nose? It's a right purdy day."

"Just walk faster!" He glanced up again. She must have spotted him, because she was coming down the steps. _Oh, __crap...._ He looked away, determined not to glance in her direction again, but after a couple minutes spent listening to Earl talking about "the good ol' days before we had them newfangled aw-tow-mo-beels", he realized that Bellatrix wasn't coming. Confused, he turned his head. _Ha,_ he thought to himself when he saw that she, too, was trapped by an overly friendly hillbilly. _Sweet, sweet justice!_

But his gloating thoughts were interrupted. "Come on, No Nose! I'm a gonna teach ya how tuh shark rassle!"

* * *

_Where is he?_ thought Bellatrix. _He's got to be here.... He ran so fast I didn't even have a chance to kiss him, but I can remedy that when I find him.... Ooooh, there he is!_

She quickly ran down the stairs to the pool area and then made her way toward Voldemort, but was suddenly stopped in her tracks when a large and strong female hand grabbed her by the arm.

"Well lookie here!" said Earl's wife Luann. "I done found me a friend!"

"Let me go at once!" screamed Bellatrix, grabbing her wand with her free hand. "_Crucio!"_

But Luann still held a firm grip. "Hey, that tickles."

"What the crap? You should be writhing in pain right now!" Bellatrix struggled against her "new friend", but to no avail.

"Honey, when ya grow up in thuh boondocks like I did, ya get pretty durn tough. Plus I done put on a lot a weight cuz a havin' all them kids and eatin' lotsa possum, so a course wutever purdy light that was just bounced right offa me!"

"Not that that's not interesting, but I really need to see my Voldypoo now, so--"

"Now wait just one cotton pickin' minute! I hadn't even properly in-tro-duced myself! I'm Luann."

"That's great, now let me--"

"And what might yur name be?"

Bellatrix sighed. This obviously wasn't something she could get out of. "Bellatrix...."

Luann looked perplexed. "Bell...uh...tricks? That's just about thuh weirdest name I ever done heard! Can I just call ya 'Bell'?" She continued before Bellatrix could say no, "All righty then, Bell, we got sum catchin' up ta do! I'm a takin' you shoppin'!"

"What? No! I did _not_ agree to that! Now let me see my Voldypoo at once, you...you...foul, overgrown, possum eating hill person!"

Luann's laugh was loud and obnoxious. "Yer funny! We're a gonna get along great, Bell! Come on! Let's go tuh thuh big ol' city folk mall!"

"Noooooooooo....." Bellatrix's scream faded in the distance as Luann dragged her away.

* * *

Voldemort shut the door and locked it in a rush. "Whew...I thought I'd never lose him!"

Voices were heard outside. "No Nose! Where'd ya go? Come on, buddy, we gotta go shark rasslin'!"

Voldemort double checked the lock to make sure it was properly secured. Shark wrestling was one experience he didn't mind missing. He sat down on his bed and turned the TV on. "Ooh, Hannah Montana is on!"

He turned his head to look at the bed beside him. Mr. Happysmileyman was not there. "Mr. Happysmileyman? Where did you go?"

Suddenly, the lights flickered off of their own accord. All was dark, except for the TV screen, which no longer showed Hannah Montana.... It showed a dark, shadowy figure, which was oddly shaped like a bear.

"Hello, Tom," said the figure in a deep, looming voice. "I suppose you're wondering what's going on, aren't you?" The figure's laugh sent chills down the Dark Lord's spine. "You see, my friend, you have something I want...and I will stop at nothing to get it, which unfortunately means that you shall have to die. Any last words?"

"You fiend! What have you done with my Mr. Happysmileyman?"

The figure laughed and clapped his hands together once, causing the lights to come on again. Mr. Happysmileyman lay on the bed where Voldemort left him. "There you are!" Voldemort rushed over to his teddy bear and picked it up to give it a hug.

"YOU DIE NOW!" screamed the bear in Voldemort's arms, pulling out a pencil and stabbing his master fiercely. "DIE! DIE! DIE! _MUAHAHAHAHA_!"

"Oh, there's my pencil!" said Voldemort cheerily. "You've found it for me! Thank you, Mr. Happysmileyman!" He took the pencil and hugged the bear tighter, sweeping away the small traces of pencil lead from his undamaged robes.

"What?" said the demented little bear. "No! You're supposed to be dead, you fool! Unhand me at once!" He struggled against Voldemort and attempted to strangle him with his tiny plush paws.

"Aww...how cute! You're hugging me back!"

"I don't understand.... The pencil is one of the deadliest weapons in the teddy bear world! How could you survive?"

"Is it time for a nap, Mr. Happysmileyman?"

"I do NOT need a nap; I need to KILL you!"

"There you go," said Voldemort, placing the bear on its bed. "Sleep tight now."

"I'll eliminate you yet, Tom! Just you wait!"

There was a knock at the door. "No Nose! I know yur in thur! Come on, them sharks ain't gonna wait all day!"

"Oh, crap....," mumbled Voldemort. "Busted…."

* * *

"Bell, does this here dress make me look fat?"

Bellatrix stared at Luann in horror. "YES!!!" she screamed.

"Oh, come on now, don't be mean. I think I'm a gonna get this. It's right purdy."

"You do that, then...." Bellatrix was desperate to get out of this blasted shopping trip. She waited impatiently outside the dressing room for Luann to somehow squeeze her enormous buttocks back into her Daisy Dukes. After ten agonizing minutes, Luann exited the dressing room and made her way back toward the sale racks. Bellatrix got up to follow her, but was immediately pushed back down.

"No, you wait here, Bell. I'm a gonna find thuh perfect dress fer you!"

_Oh, crap...._ Bellatrix sat there for what seemed like an eternity, and then Luann finally returned carrying the most hideous dress ever invented by man.

Bellatrix stared, wide-eyed, at the dress. "FLUFFY...PINK...FEATHERS???"

"I know! Wut a find, right? I thought you'd look right purdy in this!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Bellatrix raged. "_Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! AVADA KEDAVRA!!!"_

"Ya know, Bell, that's gettin' mighty annoyin'."

Bellatrix sighed helplessly as she took the dress from Luann and slammed the dressing room door behind her.


	14. Bella's Elder Swear

A red flag waved violently in the strong wind beside a lifeguard's station, which had a sign on the front reading, "Lifeguard currently absent due to an unfortunate lack of give-a-crap." Humongous waves hit the shoreline fiercely as Voldemort and Earl approached.

"Um, Earl....," said Voldemort. "Doesn't that red flag mean that we should stay away from the water?"

"Are you kiddin', No Nose? This here's pree-mee-um shark rasslin' weather! There's one now, look!"

A fin was sticking up out of the choppy gray water just a few feet from the shore.

"Go get 'em, No Nose!" Earl pointed excitedly toward the fin as the most feared Dark Lord in the wizarding world stood shaking in his flip flops.

"Gee, Earl, buddy...as tempting as that sounds--WOAH!" Voldemort screamed as he was pushed into the water. The tide pulled him closer and closer to the emerged fin; there was no turning back now.

"Blast!" he screamed. "If I only had my wand.... _Why_ don't they put pockets in these swimming trunks?"

"They do!" shouted Earl from the beach, now a million miles away it seemed.

Voldemort examined his swimming trunks and found two pockets on each side. "BLAST!!!"

The fin drew closer every second. "Oh crap…. Nice sharky…. Wouldn't hurt Voldy...AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" When he felt a nudge on his leg, he frantically kicked his way toward shore with every ounce of his strength. Looking back, he could see the fin following closely. Finally reaching the shore, he ran far past where Earl was standing. Once at a safe distance, he turned and looked back toward the sea, and then....

The dolphin jumped out of the water, performing a cute little flip in the air, and submerged with a splash.

Earl was laughing so hard he was rolling around in the sand. "Real brave thar, No Nose! I'll show ya how it's done!" He searched the water and dived when he spotted another fin.

Voldemort laughed maniacally as he watched the hillbilly struggle against the beast. "He is _so_ going to die! Oh, where's a video camera when you need one?"

Earl walked ashore triumphantly, holding a dead shark by its tail. "Wheeeeeee doggy! Hey, kids!" he called. "We're a eatin' tuhnight!"

"Yay!" cheered his many kids, who were watching from farther down the beach.

"Don't worry, No Nose, I'll share witcha!"

"Er...great.... Thanks, Earl. I'm just going to take a walk now."

"You sure? There's plenty a sharks tuh go around!"

"I'm sure!" He sprinted across the beach before Earl could push him again. After a while he slowed down to a walk and followed the shoreline until he spotted Wormtail, who was sitting in a lounge chair and staring sadly toward the ocean. "Sup with you, Wormtail?"

"I miss Olga....," replied Wormtail weakly.

"Oh, come on, Wormtail! You can't be upset! You're at the freakin' beach!"

He sighed. "I met Olga at the freakin' beach...."

"Oh, get a life!"

"I had a life.... Her name was Olga!" He began to sob uncontrollably.

"Geez...emo much?"

Wormtail didn't answer.

"Dude, don't tell me you've forgotten your purpose just because of some ghastly hog of a woman!"

Wormtail sniffed. "My...purpose?"

"Of course! Wormtail, your purpose is to be my slav...um, I mean, assistant! To get me food when I'm hungry, for instance."

"Olga used to make me get _her_ food...."

Voldemort continued as if he had not heard him. "To get me coffee in the morning…."

"Olga used to make me get _her_ coffee…. She would eat the beans as a snack…."

"To guard my teddy bear…."

"Olga used to make me guard her _food_...."

"Basically, Wormtail, your purpose is to do exactly what the other Death Eaters make fun of you for: kiss my butt!"

"Olga used to--"

"DON'T SAY IT!"

"What? Make fun of me?"

"Oh, I thought...never mind." Suddenly his face lit up. "Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!"

"Oh, I don't know, Master...."

"Are you sure?" Voldemort persisted, then immediately burst into a rap. "IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! WHERE Y'AT! WHERE Y'AT! WHERE Y'AT! WHERE Y'AT! NOW THERE Y'GO! THERE Y'GO! THERE Y'GO! THERE Y'GO! PEANUT BUTTER JEL-LAY! PEANUT BUTTER JEL-LAY! PEANUT BUTTER JEL-LAY!"

"Sorry, Master," Wormtail interrupted. "It's just not doing it today…."

Suddenly a bright flash of pink caused both Voldemort and Wormtail to turn their heads. The sunlight had hit a large sequent on a puffy, gaudy pink dress worn by none other than...Bellatrix? Yep, it was her. She had just passed them as she was sprinting down the beach, as if escaping from some pursuer. Wormtail's mouth hung open in shock as he took in the hilarious sight.

"Oh my badness, Bella!" said Voldemort. "Why are you wearing that monstrosity?"

Bellatrix stopped. "I don't want to talk about it….," she grumbled in reply.

Suddenly Wormtail burst into laughter and started rolling in the sand as Earl had done. After about thirty seconds he began to calm down, but then he saw the dress again and resumed his hysterical laughter for another two minutes, at least. "OK," he managed to choke out, "I'm happy again!"

Bellatrix had been watching him the whole time, her face a deep shade of scarlet. Mere words cannot describe her fury. "YOU FIND THIS _FUNNY,_ DO YOU?" she shrieked.

(**Note: To protect the innocence of younger readers, the following statement by Bellatrix Lestrange will be censored.)**

"YOU'RE SUCH A** -beep- **ING **-beep-**! I'M GONNA **-beep-** YOUR **-beep-** ING **-beep-beep-beep-**! THEN I'M GONNA **-beep-** YOUR **-beep-** ALL THE WAY TO **-beep-** ING **-beep-beep-beep-** WITH A BUCKET OF **-beep-beep-beep-beep-** MUDBLOOD **-beep-beep-beep-** DISNEY CHANNEL **-beep-beep-beep-beep-** ING WARNER BROTHERS**-beep-beep-beep- **ING _JONAS _BROTHERS-**beep-beep-** WITH THE CRUCIATUS CURSE **-beep-beep-beep- **ING** -beep-beep-** EVIL** -beep-beep-beep- ****BEEEEEEEEP**! AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU! THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA **-beep-** ING DO, YOU **-beep-** EXCUSE FOR A **-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-**!"

Voldemort and Wormtail stared, mouths agape.

Bellatrix took a deep breath. "Yes…rather…."

"Daaaaaaaaaaaang....," said Voldemort at last. "For someone covered in pink, you sure are unpleasant!"

"Yes, well...I suppose Luann's just got me feeling a bit down….Would you do Peanut Butter Jelly Time for me, Voldykins?"

Voldemort rolled his red, snakelike eyes. "Not for you, pinky! That's mine and Wormtail's thing!"

"But you did it for Carl…."

"Yes, but then I _killed_ Carl!"

Bellatrix groaned. "You're a **-beep-** too, you know that, Voldypoo? But at least you're a hot **-beep-**!" With that, she stomped away toward the hotel.

"She has quite the colorful vocabulary, doesn't she?" said Voldemort when the gleaming of sequins finally faded away in the distance.

"Yes....," said Wormtail amidst chuckles. "Almost as colorful as her dress!"

Voldemort joined Wormtail as he laughed raucously, rolling around on the sand.

* * *

"Stupid Wormtail.... Stupid attractive Voldemort....," mumbled Bellatrix as she neared her hotel room. She groaned when she realized her room key was in the pocket of her other dress-- the black gothic one that _didn't_ look like one of Dolores Umbridge's rejects-- and knocked loudly on the door.

"Cissy! I've had a bad day! Open up right now! ...Cissy?" The door was opened for her, but not by Narcissa. It seemed to have opened on its own. As she warily stepped inside, the lights dimmed. "Cissy? What the crap?"

A deep voice echoed from somewhere in the room. "Yo, Bella! You lookin' _fiiiiiiiine_!"

She drew her wand and took a step further, but there was no one in the room. Though, oddly enough, Lord Voldemort's teddy bear was seated on the sofa. "Mr. Happysmileyman? How did you get in here?" She gasped excitedly. "Did Voldypoo come to see me?"

The mysterious deep voice sounded again. "To heck with Voldemort!"

"Excuse me?!"

"And Rodolphus as well!"

"Who? ...Oh right, him."

"Yeah, you need to forget those squares and roll with me, yo!" Romantic music began to play.

"Who the crap are you? Am I being Punk'd?"

The voice laughed a deep, menacing laugh. "You're funny _and_ fine!"

Bellatrix crossed her arms indignantly. "Well, I'm sorry, whoever you are, but Lord  
Voldemort is the only man for me! …Well, him and that dude I'm married to."

"Yes, but once they're out of the way, we shall be together forever!"

"Yeah, sure….You keep on believing that. Listen, I'm just going to return this hideous teddy bear to Lord Voldemort, and you'd better be gone when I get back!"

"Oh, I will be...."

"Oooooo-kaaaaaay.... Later, creepy!" Much to his delight, Bellatrix picked up Mr. Happysmileyman and made her way toward the door. But a sound coming from the coat closet stopped her in her tracks. She opened the door to find Narcissa tied up. "Cissy! Who did this to you?"

"It was the teddy bear!" Narcissa screamed. "That thing is possessed or something!"

"Uh-huh. Right, Narcissa. The teddy bear. And they call _me_ crazy...."

After leaving the hotel room without untying Narcissa first ("If I do, you'll never learn!"), Bellatrix made her way toward Voldemort's room with Mr. Happysmileyman in hand. Rodolphus was heading in the opposite direction, and they met on the stairwell.

"Hi, honey! I've hardly seen you all week!" he said cheerily.

"Oh, yeah. I've been busy with Voldypoo," replied Bellatrix indifferently.

"I understand…but still! I mean, we're husband and wife! You'd think we'd at least get to share a room!"

"Yeah, well, that's how it goes sometimes…." She decided not to mention how she had requested _not_ to share a room with him. That would have been a bit awkward.

"I suppose.... Hey, is that Lord Voldemort's teddy bear?"

"Oh, yes it is. It's hideous, but the Dark Lord seems to love it. Look, it talks when you squeeze it."

She squeezed the bear, which said cutely, "I love you!"

Rodolphus laughed. "That's kind of sweet!"

"You like it?" Bellatrix threw him the bear. "Then _you_ deliver it to Lord Voldemort's room!"

"Why me?"

"Because I enjoy making you do crap for me! Also, I'm anxious to get into some scarier clothes."

"That dress looks pretty scary to me…."

"Oh, you know what I mean! Now get to your errand, bench licker!"

"Yes, dear…." Rodolphus obediently made his way to the Dark Lord's room. "You are a cute little bear, aren't you?" He squeezed the bear.

"I KILL you!" it said.

"Awww.....Wait, what?"

Mr. Happysmileyman jumped out of Rodolphus's arms and attempted to strangle him, but Rodolphus just pulled him off.

"Thanks for the hug, little dude!"

"BLAST!!!"


	15. Who's Laughing Now?

**A/N: Much thanks to everyone who helped me reach over 100 reviews! Woo-hoo! This calls for a beach party...in LONDON! By the way, if you'd like to hear my thoughts on the Twilight movie, be sure to check out my profile. Spoiler free, I promise! ;)**

The Dark Lord exultantly strode into the beachside souvenir shop, looking as if he owned the place. Oh, how he would have enjoyed bursting through the door, sending it swinging wildly outward on its hinges. Unfortunately, the door was automatic, which kind of ruined the effect he was going for. The Death Eaters followed suit, gazing in awe at their master as if they had never seen anything cooler in their pathetic lives.

However, when Voldemort actually stopped to take in his surroundings, all indignation vanished from his face to be replaced by pure wonder. He felt just like a murderer in a weapon store! When the Death Eaters witnessed their lord's excitement, they instantly became ecstatic as well, and hurried off to rummage through countless trinkets, doodads, and the occasional oddity.

As everyone else marveled in the complete exhilaration only a tourist trap could bring, Bellatrix grumbled miserably, for she was currently being held prisoner by a certain country-native woman with a knack for irritating her so-called "friends" to the point of insanity.

"Bell! Bell! Hey, Bell!" Luann chanted relentlessly. "Take a gander at this here neck-layce! And these here rangs! Aw snap, look at this, Bell! It looks just like ya! Come on, try it on! No, this! No, this is much better…."

With each new piece of tacky jewelry thrown upon her, Bellatrix was reminded of the nauseating possum casserole she was forced to eat earlier, and was certain of the fact that she would soon see it again. When Luann placed a frilly bow adorned with pink gems in Bella's unruly mat of hair, Bella wanted to kill her right then and there, but remembered with a sigh that for some reason she couldn't.

_Stupid Professor and her stupid humor fics…, _she thought to herself._ One day she shall die a most painful death… most likely involving chainsaws, butcher knives, man-eating dragons—no, llamas! Yeah, man-eating llamas…that spit! And giant lobsters! And, ooh, I'll bet Fenrir's hungry…. Oh, and bloodthirsty vampires! …No, wait, she'd like that…I know! I'll kill her beloved Edward Cullen while she watches in terror!_

Oh, _heck_ no.

_Yes! And then I'll cackle madly! MADLY, I SAY!!!_

"Hey, Bell?" said Luann. "Why 'r you cacklin' madly?"

"Oh, um…no reason, Luann…. Just plotting the author's murder."

"Oh. Arrighty then."

_Yes…Edward will die in a very slow and painful—_

Suddenly, a two thousand pound weight fell and hit Bellatrix right on her head. She fell to the floor in a humorous manner, knocked out cold. Who's laughing now?

But I digress. When we last left our favorite Dark Lord, he was browsing the countless shelves of merchandise with a lustful gleam in his eye. Currently, he and Wormtail were sifting through the dozens of t-shirts hanging up on the wall.

Wormtail held up a small, revealing tank top. "Um, Master, this is on sale… but what does 'Corona' mean?"

"Oh, how should I know? I'm not a freaking scientist! Just get it if it'll save us money, and you can wear it to the beach or something."

"Yes, Master."

"Ooh!" squealed Voldemort as he excitedly jerked a t-shirt from its hanger. "It's a bit small…but it's black! I totally love that color, Wormtail!"

"As do I, Master! …Hey, there's writing on it. What's it say, I wonder?"

Voldemort examined the shirt. "'Who needs brains when you've got these…' Ah, by 'these' it must mean my faithful servants, whom I can threaten into thinking for me, thus eliminating the need for my own intelligence! Delightful! I believe I'll get this. Oh my gosh, Wormtail, I can't wait to show it off on the beach!"

Perhaps now would be a good time to leave the two clueless antagonists and observe the sure-to-be engaging antics of Draco Malfoy.

"Look, Mommy! This nice muscular man is going to give me a pretty rainbow tattoo right on my—"

Meanwhile, Bellatrix was still in captivity, completely adorned with tasteless jewels. She had regained consciousness about two minutes ago, and now attempted to ignore Luann's constant rambling about how "purdy" she looked, by browsing shelves of jewelry that she would actually consider wearing. A certain pair of skull-shaped earrings caught her eye, and she envisioned herself looking absolutely _fabulous_ wearing them while brutally murdering the fan fiction author who tormented her so.

"Hey, Bell," said Luann, noticing the gleam in her eye, "you like them ear-rangs?"

Bellatrix started, awakened from her sadistic but stylish daydream. "Oh! Er…yes, they're all right, I suppose…."

"So get 'em!"

"Um…." She blushed. "No, I don't think I will today…."

"Well why thuh heck not?"

Bellatrix sighed. "Because my ears aren't pierced, OK?"

Luann, whose own ears had undergone multiple piercings, gasped in shock. "YOUR EARS AIN'T PIERCED?"

"Luann, shush!" snapped Bellatrix. "I am one of Voldypoo's most powerful servants! If he knew about my fear of needles, he'd laugh at me, which would be unbearably humiliating! Plus, he'd kill me."

"Well, let's fix that!"

"What?"

"You just come with me, Bell! I'll pierce them ears real good!"

"Now just wait a minute, Luann! Nooooooooo…." Her screams died away into the distance as she was dragged away against her will.

"Hey, where did Bella go?" said Voldemort as he stood at the checkout counter. "Oh well. Now to purchase this charming t-shirt!"

Bellatrix sat waiting on a gaudy floral-patterned couch in Earl and Luann's motel room, holding a towel and fidgeting nervously.

"L-Luann?" she stuttered. "Are you s-sure you're a professional?"

"Oh yeah! I done this for all mah cousins, and that's a heck uva lotta ears! Just let me find mah needle."

"OK…. Hey, Luann, you never told me what this towel is for."

"Oh, that's so ya don't bleed all ovah mah couch!"

"Oh…wonderful…."

"Arright, Bell, I'm ready!" Luann approached her, holding a rather large needle.

"Woah!" shouted Bellatrix. "Aren't you going to sterilize that thing?"

"Don't you worry none 'bout that, Bell. This here's a new needle! I only done used it once ta poppa zit!"

"You did WHAT?"

"I know, I know, it ain't good ta pop them thangs cuz they can leave scars. But it was all big and white-lookin', and I just had to, Bell! It did leave a purdy bad scar, though.…"

Bellatrix looked closer at Luann's face. "What the crap do you mean? I don't see any scars!"

"Oh, it wuddn't on mah face. Now hold still!"

"Noooooooo!" Bellatrix jumped up and ran frantically around the room as Luann chased after her with the needle. Desperate, she summoned Lord Voldemort with her Dark Mark. "Save me, Voldypoo!" she shrieked.

The Dark Lord appeared out of nowhere. At first he was confused, but when he saw his most annoying and perverted servant being pursued as if in a horror movie, he smiled evilly. "Get her, Luann!"

Bellatrix paused for a moment to twist the meaning of her beloved's statement into something tender and affectionate in her head, as she always did whenever he insulted her. Unfortunately for her, Luann saw this advantage and took it, tackling Bella to the floor and, with great force, jabbing the needle into her left earlobe.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed as rivers of black eyeliner flooded down her face. "ARE YOU _INSANE_, WOMAN? THAT FRIGGIN' _HURT!!!_"

"Now, hold on a minute, Bell! I still gotta do thuh uther one!"

"THE _OTHER_ ONE?"

Voldemort's eyes started to water as Bellatrix was mercilessly stabbed in her other ear. "This…is…so…HILARIOUS!"

"Arright," said Luann, "let's get thuh ear-rangs in thar now!"

"WHAT?" screamed Bellatrix, again running as if for her life.

Twenty minutes of chasing, tackling, and stabbing later, Bellatrix admired her newly pierced ears in a mirror. Luann was out of breath, but extremely proud of herself. Voldemort applauded and cheered for an encore, still laughing hysterically.

"You know, these actually look very menacing!" exclaimed Bellatrix. "I suppose I should thank you, Luann."

"Oh, you're welcome, Bell!"

"I said I _should._ That doesn't mean I'm _going_ to thank you."

Suddenly, Wormtail barged into the room, a panicked look on his face. "Master, we have a problem! It's Earl…. He wants to talk to you!"

Earl pushed his way past Wormtail and laughed heartily. "There you are, No Nose! What 'er you hangin' round here fur? We got some more rasslin' ta do!"

Voldemort groaned miserably. "But, Earl, we've done that already!"

"No, not shark rasslin'! I'm talkin' 'bout grizzly bear rasslin'!"

"Oh, _heck_ no. I am _not_ doing that!"

"Well, that's a right shame, No Nose. Yuh see, any av'rage ol' hillbilly can rassle a shark. Where I come from, ya have tuh be pretty durn tough tuh rassle a grizzly! That's a right good challenge right thar. But don't you think a thang of it. I mean, I'm sure you big ol' uppity city folk would find it a little bit _too_ hard..."

Voldemort raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Nuthin' personal, No Nose. No one expects you tuh be strong like a redneck!"

Voldemort took a step closer to Earl and stared him straight in the eyes. "I'll have you know that _my_ neck is redder than the necks of all your family combined."

"Yeah!" agreed Bellatrix encouragingly. "And as your wife so quaintly put it, that's a heck of a lot of necks!"

"Indeed! Thank you, Bella!" Voldemort turned to Wormtail. "Get me a bazooka and a trucker cap. We're going grizzly wrestling!"

He attempted to march threateningly out the door, but was stopped in his tracks as Bellatrix had firmly attached herself to his leg and now held him in place. "No, Voldypoo, you mustn't!" she screamed, the river of dark eye makeup again flowing down her face. "What if that thing attacks you?"

Voldemort chuckled arrogantly, although his laugh hinted at a little fear. "Bella, I'm the freaking Dark Lord for crying out loud! I mean, what are the odds that _I_ of all people will be injured by a silly, insignificant little bear?"


	16. Voldy Get Your Gun

The entire way to the forest Voldemort acted icily toward Earl while Wormtail rode in the bed of the old pickup truck, the requested bazooka in hand. It was a long drive, especially considering the truck couldn't handle high speeds. _Wow,_ thought Voldemort, _he really _can't _drive fifty-five! _

When they finally arrived, Voldemort slammed his door shut behind him and marched to the back for his gun.  
_  
Calm down, Voldemort,_ he thought to himself, _you probably won't even see a bear, so there's nothing to...no! I _want_ to see a bear! I've got to prove my red neckedness! Wait, is that even a word? Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am strong! I mean, I'm a Dark Lord for crying out loud! ...But grizzly bears are pretty big. Oh crap, I'm gonna die! No I'm not, I'm tough! Yes I am, it's a freakin' GRIZZLY! No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes--  
_  
"No Nose? Are you con-stuh-pay-ted?"

Voldemort snapped back to reality. "What? Oh...no! Why does everyone always ask me that?"

"Well...uh, because ya looked con-stuh-pay-ted."

"Oh. Yes, well...gas. It's gas, all right?"

"All righty then. Well, let's get goin'! Them grizzlies ain't gonna rassle 'emselves!"

"They aren't? Crap...." Voldemort followed Earl reluctantly down the forest trail, and Wormtail, carrying the heavy bazooka, followed his master. Soon the trail ended, though, and they were left with only Earl's sense of direction to rely on.

"You know what, Wormtail?" said Voldemort conversationally.

"What, Master?"

"I'm beginning to think this wasn't the smartest idea."

"Really?"

"Shhhhh!" snapped Earl. "Hush yerselves! I done found us a bear!" He pointed, and sure enough, there was a humongous grizzly bear a short distance away. "Go 'head, No Nose! He's all yers!"

Voldemort, out of habit, drew his wand and pointed it threateningly at the bear, but Earl quickly snatched it away.

"What er you doin' with that thar stick? Ya gotta rassle it -- that's thuh fun part-- and then shoot it when it's weak!" He stuffed the wand inside his overalls before Voldemort could take it back.

Voldemort stared at the brutishly strong looking animal. His determination to prove himself almost outweighed his fear. "Er...what would you consider weak?"

"When it don't move no more!"

"Oh dear…." He took a deep breath. _You can do this, Voldemort! You are the most powerful wizard in the world!_ Despite his encouraging thoughts, he was still frightened. _I'll just pretend I'm Emmett Cullen!_ He felt a bit more confident now, so he marched menacingly up to the bear, but then backed up a bit when he saw its teeth. __

Emmett Cullen...Emmett Cullen....

The bear had already knocked him to the ground and was quickly advancing on him.

"Come on, No Nose!" shouted Earl. "Whoop that big ol' grizzly tail!"

The vicious beast clawed at Voldemort's face. _Emmett Cullen...Emmett Cullen...._

One of the bear's sharp claws caught in Voldemort's cloak. The bear shook its paw roughly, swinging him around. _EM--METT--CUL--LEN!  
_  
The bear's claws ripped through Voldemort's cloak and sent him flying ten feet away. He got up and ran screaming like a little girl, but tripped and hit his head on a large rock.

The bear lunged, and the sickening sound of bones cracking echoed throughout the woods. Wormtail and Earl frantically rushed to Voldemort's aid.

* * *

Harry Potter screamed. His scar felt like it might split open.

"Harry! What's the matter?" said Ron.

"Is it your scar?" said Hermione worriedly. "What's happened?"

Harry looked at his friends with a terrified yet befuddled expression. "Guys, don't ask me how I know this...but I think You-Know-Who has...broken his buttocks!"


	17. Surprises

The terrible pain in Voldemort's backside was silenced when darkness engulfed him. He saw nothing, and he felt nothing. Then, suddenly, he was surrounded by beautiful flowers in a never-ending field. He frolicked gleefully with the butterflies until he found a crystal clear stream. Staring at his reflection, he gasped.

"Holy crap, I have a _nose!_ I must be in heaven!"

"Look, he's waking up," said an unfamiliar voice.

The field faded from his vision and was replaced with darkness. He opened his eyes to find himself in a small white room with a doctor looking over him.

"You certainly have improved quite a bit, Mr. Voldemort," said the doctor.

"Oh, Voldypoo!" screamed Bellatrix. "I'm so glad you're ok! I've been terribly worried, you know!"

"Bellatrix is here?" said Voldemort, taken aback. "Oh crap! This must be the other place!"

"Voldypoo, you're in a hospital."

It was then that Voldemort realized he was lying in a hospital bed. "Um…Bella?"

"Yes, my sweet injured angel?"

"You know these hospital beds are only built for _one_, right?"

She snuggled up closer to him. "Yes, the doctor told me."

"Bella?"

"Yes, you wonderful--"

"THAT MEANS GET UP!"

Bellatrix hopped up at once and smoothed out her dress awkwardly.

"So, doctor," said Voldemort weakly. "What is the damage exactly?"

"Well, you have broken some bones in your posterior. That's the worst of the damage. You also have quite a few scratches and bruises, and you suffered a blow to the head, which knocked you unconscious."

"I like you when you're unconscious, Voldypoo," interrupted Bellatrix. "You can't yell at me for being perverted!"

Voldemort stared wide-eyed at the doctor. "What exactly has she been doing in here?"

"Don't worry, sir," he replied with a chuckle. "We doctors are trained to deal with people like her. A nurse has been kept in here at all times."

"Is said nurse trained in some form of martial arts?"

Bellatrix groaned and rubbed her head in pain. "Three forms."

Voldemort tried to sit up, but couldn't because of the pain. He looked around the room to find that Wormtail and Earl were also there with him.

"Wormtail? Earl? What happened after I wrestled the bear?"

Earl laughed. "You call that rasslin'? Why, where I come from…." He stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Wormtail's disapproving expression; not to mention Bellatrix's murderous glare. "I mean…you did a right good job rasslin' that bear, No Nose. It just happen' to be quicker 'n you. But don't worry yerself. I done rassled up that bear real good after ya passed out!"

"And that's not all!" said Wormtail with admiration. "Master, when he saw what had happened to your…um, hind quarters, he actually carried you all the way back to the truck and drove you here!"

"Earl…?" said Voldemort feebly. "You did that for me?"

Earl grinned. "Oh, twern't nuthin', No Nose! We Suh-thurn folk are always reddy ta help a friend in need!" He grabbed a bowl off a side table and handed it to Voldemort. "Here, have some hot soup. It'll make ya feel better!"

"Very well." He took a bite. "This is rather good, Earl. What is it?"

"Grizzly stew!"

Voldemort spat. "Eeeeeeeeeew! Earl, that is SICK!"

"What? That thar's a real del-uh-cus-see where I come from!"

Suddenly, loud noises sounded from the hallway. _Thud. Thud. Thud._

The door swung open to reveal a humongous woman, perhaps even bigger than she was the last time they saw her.

"Olga, honey!" said Wormtail. "It's so good to see you!"

"OLGA HEAR ABOUT NO NOSE AND HIS BUTT. OLGA SORRY. OLGA BRING FRUIT BASKET."

"That's wonderful…. Where is it?"

"OLGA WAS HUNGRY."

"Oh. Well, it's the thought that counts. So where's the basket? Did you throw it away?"

"OLGA WAS _REALLY_ HUNGRY!"

"Oh, Olga, I've missed you so much! But I suppose you're happy with your hunky lifeguard now, right?"

"LIFEGUARD SAY OLGA UNCIVILIZED. LIFEGUARD DUMP OLGA. OLGA WANT WORMY!"

"Oh, Olga!" Wormtail rushed over to her and hugged her as tightly as he could, unable to wrap his arms completely around her.

"I hate to break up this reunion," said the doctor, "but I think Mr. Voldemort needs to rest now, so if you all could come back later, that would be great."

Wormtail took Olga's giant hand and skipped out the door with her. Earl pushed the uneaten soup closer to Voldemort and followed them.

"Mrs. Lestrange, that means you too," said the doctor sternly.

"But I won't wake him up! I promise!"

"Out."

Bellatrix cursed under her breath and made her way toward the door.

"You know," said the doctor, "your husband is staying in room 12. He was mauled by a shark today. You're welcome to visit him if you'd like."

"I would…but, you know, that's an awfully long walk."

"It's right across the hall."

"Yeah, well…maybe after lunch."

Bellatrix and the doctor left, leaving Voldemort all alone. "Finally I can get some sleep…." He closed his eyes and began to drift off, but suddenly there came a knock at the door. "Oh, unicorn turds…," he mumbled. "Who is it?"

"Nurse," said a deep voice outside the door.

"Very well, come in."

The door opened slowly, emitting an eerie creaking sound, and Mr. Happysmileyman entered carrying a rusty knife that was twice his size.

"You're mine now, Tommy!" threatened the plush toy, "I've been told the humans find knives quite a bit more dangerous than pencils!"

"Oh dear…," said Voldemort. "I was afraid this might happen…."

Mr. Happysmileyman laughed a deep, cold laugh. "Yes…and once I've killed you, I plan on changing my _blasted_ name to something more sinister…like Lord Evilfrownyman!"

"_Incarcerous!_" shouted a voice from the hallway, and Mr. Happysmileyman was immediately bound tightly by magical ropes.

"Who dares to defy the Dark Lord of teddy bears?" shouted the bear in its deep voice.

Bellatrix stepped into the room holding a wand. "Well, what do you know? Narcissa was right. Huh…I should probably get her out of that closet now…."

"Bella? But why?" said the struggling Mr. Happysmileyman, "I thought we had something special!"

"I was going to sneak in here to be with you, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, ignoring the bear. "Then I saw what was going on."

"That's wonderful, Bella!" said Voldemort gratefully. "…Creepy…but wonderful."

Wormtail, Earl, and Olga rushed into the room. "We heard loud noises! What's going on?" asked Wormtail.

Voldemort sighed. "I suppose it's time to tell you all the truth. I thought I could keep it a secret, but that plan's kind of in the crapper now, isn't it?

"Keep what a secret?" asked Bellatrix.

"Well…Mr. Happysmileyman is a horcrux."

Everyone gasped. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" asked a very confused Olga.

"But if he contains a part of your soul," wondered Wormtail, "then why would he want to kill you?"

All was silent. Then suddenly, something clicked in Bellatrix's mind. "_Now_ is the time to act against global warming!" Then something more relevant to the current situation clicked in her mind. "That teddy bear is in love with me, and he thought Lord Voldemort was standing in his way! He thought he could be with me by killing you, Voldypoo!"

Voldemort nodded. "Yes, I suppose I did transfer a bit of my evilness to him, didn't I?"

Wormtail gasped. "Oh my gosh, guys! That means Rodolphus is in danger, too! And he's in this hospital right now! Oh my badness, Mr. Happysmileyman could have gotten to him first! We have to go check on him!"

"Eh, maybe after lunch," said Bellatrix.

Olga agreed, "YEAH! OLGA HUNGRY!"

"We'll just leave you to rest, then, Master," said Wormtail.

He picked up the still struggling Mr. Happysmileyman and left the room with Olga and Earl. As they were leaving, Voldemort thought he heard Earl say, "So, are y'all gonna tell me what thuh heck No Nose was talkin' 'bout?"

Voldemort closed his eyes again, but something still wasn't right. _Oh crap_, he thought, _Bellatrix is still in here!_

She sat down next to him. "Voldypoo, we need to talk."

"Fine. Talk…but nothing else!"

"All right, well…it seems since we've been going out, you've had a lot of near death experiences, am I right?"

Squirming against his uncomfortable butt cast, he replied, "Indeed…."

"And not just from Mr. Happysmileyman, either. It seems the fates don't want us to be together, Voldypoo."

"Aw, that's a shame."

Despite his horrible lying skills, Bellatrix took him seriously. "I know. If I were to lose you, I'd have no one but Rodolphus! And that would suck big time!"

"Oh yes, being stuck with your husband would just be terrible…."

"Exactly, which is why I think we should break up. Now, don't get upset or anything. It won't be so bad. You can focus on your Dark Lordly work-like stuff, and I can go back to admiring you from afar."

_Right. Afar,_ thought Voldemort, _if you consider 'afar' to be outside my window with binoculars._ _But I suppose I should take what I can get. Now to fake some tears. Life in an orphanage...Being beaten by an infant…Losing my nose…Breaking my butt.... There, that should do it. _"Oh, Bella, I don't know how I will go on, but I suppose if this is how it has to be...."

"I'm glad you understand." She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and hopped off the bed. "Stalk ya later!" Closing the door behind her, she sighed. "He took that really hard...."


	18. Going Home

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter up. My friend and I have been busy with another project. *_cough_*professorcassandra(dot)webs(dot)com*_cough_*link on profile*_cough_* Ahem...excuse me. ;) So, anyway, I am proud to present the final chapter of The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip! :D**

The sun shone down on the hospital parking lot. Not a cloud could be seen in the sky. It was a warm day, but a pleasantly crisp wind blew every now and then, signaling the beginnings of autumn.

The hospital doors opened, and Lord Voldemort stepped out. The cast covering his posterior allowed no movement of his spine, so he was completely hunched over. Bellatrix walked directly behind him, enjoying the view, and all the other Death Eaters followed. Rodolphus was last in line, for the bandages covering most of his body limited his movement. Nobody cared, though, of course. When Voldemort arrived at the purple minivan, Wormtail helped him into the passenger seat.

"How long do I have to keep this blasted thing on again?" asked the Dark Lord.

"Two weeks," said Wormtail.

"Blast. It's been bad enough just wearing it for three days!" He leaned closer toward Wormtail and continued in a whisper, "Bellatrix actually wanted to _sign_ it! And the scary part is…she succeeded! I don't know when she did it, I don't know how she did it, but she did it. And you don't even want to know what she _wrote_…."

Wormtail patted his master on the back, which wasn't a difficult gesture considering Voldemort was even hunched over in the van. "Just hang in there, Master. It'll be over before you know it."

Voldemort sighed and leaned back in his seat as much as possible. "You know, I think once this cast comes off, I'll keep it."

"Really? As a keepsake to remember this vacation by?"

"Well, yes, that…but mostly to remind me never to wrestle a grizzly bear ever again. That seems like a good thing to remember."

Lucius approached the passenger seat. "My Lord, we've taken care of everything. All of our stuff is packed, and the room keys have been returned to the hotel. I believe we can go straight home from here."

"Excellent. Now I'd like to say goodbye to Earl. That blasted hillbilly has really grown on me."

"Aw, No Nose, you done grown on me, too!" Earl rushed over to Voldemort and gave him a big old hillbilly hug.

"So what are you and the family going to do now?" asked Voldemort after the long hug ended.

"Oh, I s'pose we'll go on back home ta thuh shack. But not buhfore we enjoy this here beach fur a few more days!"

"Very well, then. Same time next year?"

"You bet yer broke bee-hind, No Nose!"

"Excellent." Voldemort waved goodbye to Earl and shut the car door.

"Hey, Luann!" called Earl as he walked away. "Quit huggin' that wild-haired city woman and come on! We gotta hit thuh road!"

"Comin', Dumplin'!" called Luann, releasing Bellatrix and handing her a folded up piece of paper. "That thar's my tellyphone number! Let's keep in touch, aright, Bell?"

"Sure…right…," lied Bellatrix.

"And don't worry! Yer husband ar'dy done gave me yer number! He said ya needed a friend. See ya, Bell!"

Bellatrix gritted her teeth and glared at Rodolphus, wondering if there was any place left where she could fit a few more bandages.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._ Olga ran up to Wormtail and gave him a strangling hug. "OLGA LOVE WORMY!"

Wormtail sighed. "Oh, Olga, why does this vacation have to end so soon? I don't want to leave you…."

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WORMY NO LEAVE OLGA. OLGA COME WITH WORMY!"

She lifted up her sleeve, and Wormtail gasped. There, on her gigantic forearm, was the Dark Mark. On her gigantic arm it seemed much smaller than the other Death Eaters' did.

Overjoyed, Wormtail rushed over to the passenger side window. "Oh, Master! You made her a Death Eater!"

Voldemort blushed. "Yes, well…I can't have you moping around all the time, now can I? We're going to need a lot of mini weenies for the ride home, though…."

"OLGA LIKE MINI WEENIES!"

Wormtail couldn't stop smiling. "I didn't even know she was a witch!"

"Wormtail, have you ever seen _anyone_ eat a restaurant's entire supply of food in ten seconds? That's friggin' _magic_ if I've ever seen it!"

Snape shoved past Wormtail and Olga. "My Lord, we are almost ready to go. Here's your teddy bear." He handed Voldemort the bear, which was still tied up and struggling.

"There's my Mr. Happysmileyman!" said Voldemort, embracing the bear.

"Fool!" yelled Mr. Happysmileyman. "You know quite well I require the whole passenger seat to myself!"

"Well, that's too bad, Mr. Happysmileyman. We now have one more seat to fill." He glanced again at Olga. "Hmm…probably two seats, actually. Besides, it's plain to see that what you really need now is discipline! Murdering your daddy is a big no-no!"

"You just wait, Voldemort. I'll kill you yet!"

Voldemort ignored him and turned to Snape, who had just gotten into the minivan. "I forgot to ask…who's driving?"

That question was answered when Bellatrix hopped in the driver's seat, grinning from ear to ear. "You guys ready to burn some rubber?"

Voldemort's protesting scream echoed throughout the parking lot as the minivan sped wildly away.

* * *

The Death Eaters all sat at a long table, waiting for their master to begin the meeting as a certain country song played in the background. A door opened, and Lord Voldemort confidently stepped up to the throne-like seat at the end of the table. He triumphantly held up the cast that was so recently attached to his behind and shouted, "Faithful servants, my recovery is complete!"

He received not clapping and cheering, but gasping and stifled chuckling. Then he realized that he had shown them the side that Bellatrix had written her humiliating message on. "Oh dear," he said, "I had forgotten about that…. You know, not being able to see it…back there. Say, where is Bellatrix anyway?"

Another door flew open and Bellatrix rushed in. She was holding a cell phone up to her ear, which was swollen and inflamed but still adorned with a stylish skull-shaped earring. "Yes, I understand that….," she said in a rushed tone. "Look, I'm sure it's a very pretty dress, Luann, but I'm late for a meeting here! …I don't care how many bows are on it! I'll talk to you later!" She hung up the phone. "I am _so_ sorry, Your Sexiness! I tried to get here sooner, I really did…."

"That's all right, Bella, I _completely_ understand." And it was the truth, for he remembered Luann quite well. "Speaking of hillbillies, Earl wrote to me today. Apparently they have a new pig now." He sniffed, and his eyes watered. "They've named it No Nose in my honor!"

The Death Eaters clapped, but all of their clapping combined couldn't compare to the ear splitting roar that Olga's clapping made. She and Wormtail were still going strong, of course, and all the other Death Eaters had warmed up to her quite a bit as well.

Draco was still as naïve and flamboyant as ever, but Lucius had become a bit more tolerant. He had made a compromise: Draco could keep his rainbow wallpaper, but the unicorn posters had to go. Also, Rodolphus had completely healed, not that anyone cared. And Narcissa…wait…where was Narcissa?

"Oh crap," said Bellatrix, her eyes wide, "I left Narcissa in the coat closet! …….Oh well. Who wants mini weenies?"

**A/N: ...So, basically, that's how I spent the summer of '08--writing this! And it's been awesome. I'd like to thank everyone who read, reviewed, and/or favorited this story; you guys have been great! I'd also like to thank the Dark Father and Allusioned Thoughts for supporting me so much, and my ex-boyfriend for giving me inspiration (didn't turn out so great, of course...but I suppose I should give him props anyway. XD). The story doesn't have to end here, though. I'm working on a sequel now, so check back soon! :)**


	19. Exclusive Preview!

**A/N: This is a preview of the sequel to The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip, coming soon to a computer screen near you! **

Lord Voldemort lay back leisurely on a lawn chair in his backyard, playing Animal Crossing on his Nintendo DS. The forest surrounding Riddle Mansion was bursting with foliage of a rich green, and there was not a cloud in the sky. The only sounds that disturbed the tranquility were the buzzing of pollinating bees, the soft chirping of bluebirds overhead, and of course, the upbeat music coming from the Dark Lord's favorite video game. The temperature was rising; summer was fast approaching.

His mind was hardly focused on the game anymore, for he could not help but reminisce on certain memories of the previous summer. Ah, road trips…there is simply nothing like them, and his most recent one was certainly a memorable holiday. Despite the fact that it had ended with a broken posterior on his part, he now recalled it quite fondly. Many good times were had, as well as bad, and he had learned many important lessons along the way; for instance, he'll certainly never try wrestling a grizzly bear again.

Yes, he felt as if nothing in the world could top the good old-fashioned road trip, and looked forward to taking another one in just two short weeks. His opinion would soon change, however, as a faint roaring was heard in the distance. It grew louder, seeming to get closer every second. Voldemort sat up, curiously eyeing the small gravel road nearby, until it appeared.

It was a brand new Harley Davison motorcycle, ridden by a tall man wearing sunglasses, a bandana, and a leather jacket. The bike sparkled in the sunlight as it sped by the mansion, Voldemort gazing in awe. It was the absolute coolest thing he had ever seen.

"Holy crap…………"


End file.
